Some arguments escalate because you are both fighting to get the other's approval. If you develop your autonomy, you will stand on your own two feet and have more room for maneuver in your relationship.
How can I have a good love relationship?
What does love actually mean to you? A good love relationship, which is also a good sexual relationship, requires certain things that you can develop in your relationship. A very important ingredient is autonomy. This means that you stand on your own two feet emotionally and are not dependent on your partner. autonomy is a lifelong development. So there will always be changes for you and your partner.
Wanting to "be one" drives you apart
Love includes moments when you want to be one. And all your differences are forgotten. Nevertheless, you remain different people. If every difference leads to great insecurity in your relationship, one of you will always try to talk the other out of being different. And if you then only do things that don't unsettle the other person, your room for maneuver becomes smaller and smaller. It feels very narrow. And it's not unusual for one or the other to take a break because they can no longer breathe.
Autonomy means cultivating your own
Autonomy encourages you to develop your own interests. Your own preferences. Your own circle of friends. Your own fantasies. Your own thoughts. When you have this, you are less likely to dream of breaking out of the relationship and feel guilty about it. You don't give up on yourself in the relationship. You become free in the relationship.
Autonomy means accepting otherness
Being autonomous also encourages you to see the other person as different. To accept that there is much more to them than they show. And to find that exciting. Because if you think you know someone completely, then you're wrong. The stranger is also in him or her. If you recognize and acknowledge that your partner not only shares something with you, but also has something of their own, something foreign, they will also become more interesting as a sexual partner.
Autonomy means taking care of yourself
The word "autonomy" says it all: You stand on your own two feet. You don't need the other person to support you. Imagine a hug in which you are both very close to each other, but you are both stable on your feet. If one were to walk, the other wouldn't fall over. That is autonomy. You can comfort yourself if necessary, you take care of your own well-being. You don't rely on the other person to do it for you. You see yourself as responsible for yourself. Just as you don't have to worry about the other person's well-being. A loving relationship is not the same as a mother-child relationship.
Autonomy means: everyone is responsible for themselves
This is so important that we can't say it often enough: In a relationship, everyone is responsible for themselves. Very often, partners try to blame you for the fact that they are doing badly. No! In an equal relationship, there are no victims, only volunteers. Anyone who participates in something reluctantly, because they want to avoid conflict is choosing to participate. You have a choice! Think about how often you think the other person doesn't give you a choice. Is that really true?
Autonomy reduces expectations of the other person
Autonomy means that your partner no longer has to meet so many expectations. Expectations are not so high that they can't actually be met. If your expectations are high, it's clear that you'll end up putting your partner down at some point. This is also due to dissatisfaction with your own dependence on them. This doesn't mean that your expectations are so low that you'll settle for any partner.
Autonomy allows you to cope with a break-up
Autonomy also means that the world won't end, that "everything" won't fall apart when the relationship ends.
Autonomy allows for important confrontations
Autonomy also makes you brave in conflict. This is because you can comfort yourself better in a conflict. For example, you could ask yourself what you are unhappy about. What exactly would your partner do differently? How could you tempt them to work on it? And what are you willing to accept and what are you not?
Autonomy allows you to stand firm
Autonomy allows you not only to say words, but also to stand by them and remain consistent.
Autonomy connects
Autonomy doesn't mean that you don't care about your partner, or that you can just go and get whatever you want on your own. You stand up for your desire for togetherness. But you don't force it. And in the long run, you're not satisfied with a "Well, I'll just do it for your sake. You both join in voluntarily if you want to. That makes you want more. So autonomy leads to more togetherness.
How do I become more autonomous?
You're probably asking yourself: "How can I become more autonomous?" By investing a lot in self-love and self-care. By identifying and nurturing your interests and specialties. By practicing giving yourself security and calming yourself down. By becoming a loving caregiver to yourself. All of this gives you the security, the stable backbone, and the firm footing you need for a happy love relationship in which you don't give up on yourself. This takes practice. If you like to read and enjoy challenging books, you might be interested in the book "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch. It also contains many examples and tips.