Just because you have a lot of sex and watch porn doesn't mean you're an addict. If you never seem to get enough, the problem might be that you don't experience real sexual satisfaction.
Where does sex addiction start?
The mere amount of sex you have doesn't make you an addict. The key is: Do you enjoy it, and do you feel good about it? If so, then go for it – no matter how much sex you have, or how much you masturbate, or how much porn you watch. If, however, you feel like you never get enough, and you neglect important things in life because you're constantly occupied with sexual thoughs or actions, your sexual behavior becomes compulsive. We prefer talking about a compulsion, and not an addiction, because addiction implies that it revolves around a drug of some sorts. And sex in itself is no drug.
When does compulsion become a problem?
Maybe you experience times when you just have to have sex. You might be incredibly horny. You might neglect other things to masturbate. You might spend quite a bit of time watching porn. You might think about sex all the time. A lot of us experience moments or even phases like this – not only during adolescence or as young adults. Is this a problem? No – as long as you, your life and your relationships don't suffer from it. You might have a strong sex drive, you might be hormonally driven, you might be impulsive, or you might be going through a phase where sex is better than anything else on your plate. It becomes a problem if it really takes over.
Am I actually sexually satisfied, ever?
Let's say you're horny a lot. You anticipate having sex or masturbating. And then you do it. How do you feel during masturbation? How do you feel during sexual activities? Do you enjoy them? How do you feel afterwards? Do you feel relaxed and satisfied? If you really enjoy something you do, eventually you're going to feel satisfied and fulfilled. You're going to have "enough" for a while. Do you know this feeling? Or is it just never quite "enough"? Any compulsive behavior – sex, eating, gambling etc. – is characterized by a lack of true pleasure and satisfaction around it. So in a way it's not a problem of "too much", but of "too little".
Do I have sex for the right reasons?
Maybe you do experience sexual satisfaction. But it's not what you're really looking for. Maybe you have unsolved issues or conflicts. Your life might be somewhat dissatisfying. Maybe it lacks fulfillment. Maybe you use sexual arousal and discharge to reduce stress or frustration or to fill some kind of void. But no matter how good sex might feel, it doesn't make your problems go away. The only way you address them is by – addressing them. If you use sex to adress them, it's like banging against a wall when the door lies to the right. And rather than look to the right, you have an urge to hit the wall stronger. It's never enough. And at the same time it's too much. Of the wrong thing. Sometimes we need help to deal with problems in our life. Allow yourself to consider professional support if you feel overwhelmed.
Do I allow myself my sexuality?
Maybe you think "I shouldn't masturbate so much" or "I shouldn't watch porn" or "I should be abstinent". Maybe you don't allow yourself the kind of sexual activities you desire. Ask yourself why you think you shouldn't do what you want to do. It is your sexual right to have sex, and to enjoy sexual activities. There is no "wrong" or "too much", as long as you don't do anything illegal, and you're not bound by some pact or agreement, and you don't harm or hurt anyone. So ask yourself: Who or what forbids me to do this? Maybe you have an "inner policeman" in your head telling you what's right and what's wrong. Where did this figure come from? Is it justified? It might be a good idea to question its existence.
Why does guilt make things worse?
Let's say you watch porn and masturbate. Or engage in any other sexual activity you think you shouldn't do. But you still do it. Why? Because it makes you feel a bit better for brief moment. You might forget about other stuff. It's a time-out. You're able to build up and release tension. But then, afterwards, you feel bad that you did it. You might feel guilty or ashamed, you might put yourself down. So you end up feeling worse than before. And your brain remembers: "Hey, I know something that will make me feel better for a moment!" Sex. Masturbation. Porn. And it's quite logical if the need to do it again pops up in your head quite quickly.
Why does the urge grow when I suppress it?
Let's say you try to stop doing whatever you're doing sexually that you feel bad about. You want to be abstinent. You suppress your urge. Sometimes this works: Some people find things to do that fulfill them and make them forget other needs. But a lot of us don't function like that when it comes to sex. Indeed, quite the opposite might happen: You suppress a need. This takes an effort. It might take quite a bit of self-control. This kind of control usually comes along with tension. Pulling yourself together is a tense affair. It's actually stressful. The more you pull yourself together, the more tension and stress you might feel. Your body and soul are yearning for a release. Your brain knows: Sex is a way to release tension. So, naturally, your urge to arouse yourself sexually rises.
How can I enjoy sex more?
Take a minute and think about how you are having sex, or masturbating. What do you do with your body? Let's say you sit in front of a PC, in a crouched position. One hand quickly clicks through porn pages. The other stimulates your genitalia. Where's your attention? Probably on the pictures. Do you actually feel you body? Sex is something that takes place in your body. You're going to experience it in a much more fulfilling manner if you pay attention to what's happening in your body, and if you use your body in a way that supports pleasurable sensations. We suggest you look at our tips for women or our tips for men, you'll find many ideas of how to make your sexual menu more interesting and satisfying.
How can I wean myself off porn?
We don't think it's a good idea to just stop doing what you've learned sexually. If you just stop, there's a void. Anything you try to replace it with is going to be less efficient and work less well. It's a better idea to gradually mix the old and the new. We explain this more in-depth in this text. Focusing on your body is key in learning sexually, and porn pictures are distracting you from that. If you're heavily relying on porn to arouse yourself, we suggest you close your eyes or put your smartphone away or click away the page on your PC for minutes at a time and concentrate on what you're feeling instead. Then you watch some more, and then you repeat the process. Try to make the periods without watching porn longer and longer. You can allways watch some more if your arousal goes away or if you want to finish off. The important thing is that your brain and body gradually get used to new sexual stimuli, and porn becomes less and less important – eventually it will be a nice to have, not a need to have.