Ending violence / Dealing with violence in your childhood home:

Even in very “normal” families, family members sometimes don't treat each other well at all. You might not notice this on the surface because it seems like the perfect world. Here we describe some subtle forms of violence.

Unpleasant things happen in ordinary families

When you look at your childhood, you may think “everything was fine.” I had a “completely normal family”. It's very possible that your family is quite normal. But in normal families, things often happen that are not good. Those things might involve your parents' behavior, your siblings' behavior, or even your own behavior.

We say: Even if it's normal behavior, it's not okay. It can have harmful effects on our self-esteem and on our behavior in relationships with significant others. So it can also be harmful to our partners and children.

We would like to show you some of the patterns that are not okay. Put yourself in the following situations and see if anything sounds familiar from your own family:

There is no room for your needs

Your mother is having a bad day, so she cancels your long-awaited trip because she doesn't have the energy. You are very disappointed. If this happens once, it's not a problem. Your mother just couldn't do it that time. But imagine your mother does this a lot: she basically puts her own needs above yours all the time. How you're doing and what you want is constantly being dismissed. The needs of others are more important. You learn that your needs have no room.

You are being forced into a role

Are you as a person truly important in the eyes of your parents? Or do they want you to conform to some image? For example, the successful daughter, or the good son? If you conform to this image, your parents can bask in it and boost their own self-esteem. You yourself may end up with a completely inflated self-image and then not do so well in life.

Or you feel that your parents' image does not correspond to reality. You get stressed because you don't live up to the ideal. You start criticizing yourself.

Or you might be pushed into some role in the family that is not so nice: the clumsy one, the problem child, the stupid one, and so on. The rest of the family then looks down on you with more or less obvious contempt. That way, they raise their own status. And you begin to denigrate yourself.

You are being instrumentalized

Imagine you're a child. Your mother is having a prolonged crisis. Her partner has left her. You are her sunshine, her comfort. As explained in the previous section, you are forced into a role. But this goes further: you have to take care of your mother. Actually, you take on a parental role, so to speak. You are being instrumentalized for a purpose.

This is also called parentification: One parent or both parents give the child a parental role and the associated tasks. These tasks are not child-appropriate and are, above all, overwhelming. You may have to take on this role for your entire childhood. This is bad. Because you simply can't take on such a role as a child. You can't fulfill it. You are left feeling: “I am not enough”.

You are being spoiled

When parents spoil their children, they remove any unpleasant things from them and fulfill their wishes immediately. A perfect childhood? No. Because problems start quickly – as soon as a spoiled child comes into contact with the “real” world. For example, in kindergarten. When they are expected to do things themselves, or when they learn that they don't get everything they want. A spoiled child was not able to learn how to tolerate and cope with difficult situations. This is actually very bad for self-worth.

You may wonder why we list this under “Family Violence.” The reason is that some parents spoil their children because they just want to keep the peace. They don't take the time and energy to set boundaries for their children and work out the resulting conflicts. So spoiling can also be seen as a form of neglect.

You are being manipulated

Suppose you want to go on vacation with a family friend. Your mother looks at you with a sad look and says: “Have a nice vacation. We will manage without you”. You know that look and the hurt tone of voice. You feel that you are letting her down. You get a guilty conscience. You have a sleepless night. The next morning, you cancel on the family friend. Your mother has manipulated you into not “leaving” her during your holidays.

Manipulation looks like this: We want something from another person. We know or suspect that the person will not just give it to us. So we don't ask or request it openly. Instead, we try to achieve our goal in a more hidden way. Often we do this by provoking unpleasant feelings in the other person. Manipulation is a human ability. We can all do it – and do it much more often than we think.

Unpleasant feelings are being fueled

Even before we are able to really think, we can feel. Fear and shame, for example. Fear and shame are two very unpleasant emotions that we prefer to avoid. When you're yelled at as a child, you get scared. When you're humiliated, you experience shame. You want to avoid these feelings in the future, so you try to behave in such a way that you don't get these feelings anymore.

Imagine that your parents take advantage of this. They stir up unpleasant emotions to control you. Or maybe they act out their own emotions in front of you, unchecked. You are triggered by their unpleasant emotions, or they scare you. What you actually need is the opposite: When you experience unpleasant feelings, you should be comforted.

Your feelings are met with dismissal instead of comfort

Maybe you've heard phrases like “Pull yourself together!” or “You don't have to be afraid!”. Maybe you've experienced people laughing at you for being “chicken”. You've been punished for being angry. Feelings can be dismissed in many ways. But feelings are incredibly important. They are real and genuine. They show us how we are doing.

In fact, the role of parents and other adult caregivers is to teach children how to cope with their feelings. This is where comforting and soothing play an essential role. Comforting and soothing means: Hugging the child. Taking feelings seriously. Acknowledging real problems and helping to solve them. Alleviating excessive worries. Reassuring the child and saying: “It's just a feeling, it will pass”. It is incredibly important for children to be comforted and soothed. Because it helps them cope better with their feelings as adults and learn to soothe themselves.

You get caught up in relationship conflicts

Your parents are fighting. What are they arguing about? They're arguing about how to raise you. Mom thinks Dad should be stricter with you, Dad accuses her of “bad pedagogy”. You don't know what this means and who is right. But you know that you are the cause of the argument. When parents fight a lot or live in a constant stand-off, children often blame themselves.

What's even worse is when your father and mother both try to get you on their side. They talk badly about each other to you. They may also use you to try to manipulate the other person: They want you to “talk Dad down” or “talk some sense into Mom.” You end up in a conflict of loyalties. This creates huge emotional tension. You can't please both of them at the same time. This is unbelievably stressful.

Words and behaviors don't match

“I want what's best for you.” Most parents not only say this, but actually mean it. In principle, it's certainly true. But if you then take a closer look at their behavior, often a different picture emerges. For example, your mother forbids you to have contact with a great girl because she doesn't get along with this girl's mother. She has a vested interest in you not having contact with that girl.

If she were honest, she'd be telling you, “I want what's best for me, so you get the short end of the stick.” Yet you keep hearing from her, “I only want what's best for you.” You realize that this is somehow not true, because there are many situations where her behavior shows the opposite. But you want to trust your mother. You want to believe her. So maybe you don't trust yourself and your feelings as much anymore.

Bad behavior is justified with good intentions

Your father makes a snide remark about your favorite music. You get annoyed. You accuse him of always putting your stuff down. He says, “Oh, sorry, it wasn't my intention to hurt you. I was just making a joke.” Fair enough. But then the next day he makes some snide remark again.

If he had really taken your comment seriously, and if he really was sorry, he would make an effort not to make any more snide “jokes” in the future. But he doesn't: Your father tries to gloss over his actions. He doesn't deal with the fact that he behaved unkindly toward you. He is portraying himself in a better light. This creates confusion in your mind. You can actually sense his bad intention. But you no longer trust your intuition.

Narratives and thoughts are planted in your head

Children believe a lot of things their parents say. Sure, parents are adults and much more experienced. Children are more likely to take what they say at face value. This also means that parents can put a lot of things into children's heads.

Maybe you've heard something like this before: “You don't really want that, you just think you do. Or: “You're just like me – I couldn't assert myself very well as a child either”. These statements plant ideas and narratives in your head that are not your own. They can cause great confusion in your head. Because somehow something feels wrong. If you really are as they say you are, then there is something wrong with you. Because secretly you feel different.

Yes, but this is all normal...

Maybe you think we're exaggerating. You think: "This is all normal. No childhood is perfect. Parents aren't perfect." You're right. It is normal – in the sense that the patterns described here are very common. But that doesn't make them good or alright. It's understandable to pretend it's all fine. Many people do this to make their situation appear better. But then you're not taking yourself seriously. Because as a child, you suffered from these things. And maybe you are still suffering today from the consequences of your past.

Take this suffering seriously. In many families unpleasant things happen – partly because no one is aware of how bad they are. Only when we recognize and acknowledge these bad things, can we do something to move away from them instead of always repeating them.