Ending violence / Dealing with violence in your childhood home:

If you want to overcome your family history, there are a some helpful strategies. In any case, we also recommend getting some professional support.

Develop self-compassion

If you have problems with yourself or with others, it is understandable that you would rather be different. But you have your problems for a reason. There is a story behind them. A logic. Please read this text about childhood survival strategies.

You can only make progress in this area if you develop interest in yourself and your story. Take yourself seriously and develop compassion for the child you were. This is not easy because you may have blocked it all out. Professional support is helpful for this.

Become interested in your disruptive memories

Many people who experienced a lot of stress and little security in childhood have trouble getting away from the past. This is because all the bad things that happened are messily stored in their memory as impressions, images, and emotional states. They come up again when you are in any situations that feel similar in some way.

This is also called flashbacks. To understand what flashbacks are, please read this text. Your brain can't separate between what was then and what is now. As unpleasant as the images and states you experience during a flashback are, they are also useful in helping you understand what happened. Here, too, we recommend professional support.

Separate the past from the present

For example, you might have an excessive fear of abandonment in romantic relationships. You cling to your partner and lose all independence. The fear doesn't really make sense, because you could easily survive without your partner.

But in relationships, your brain remembers your very first relationship – the one with your parents. There, you also had great fears of abandonment. If your parents had left you, you would not have survived. Now your brain blends the past with the present in all your close relationships.

It is important that you “clean up” so that your brain understands what is now and what was then. There are different techniques for doing this. It is easier if you do it with professional guidance.

Recognize that parents don't always have good intentions

People are like the moon: they have their sunny side, and they also have a dark side. They have good intentions and they have bad intentions. They don't always mean well. Especially when they are under stress, they tend to see others as enemies. Then, at best, they behave nicely on the surface. But underneath, they think mean things about each other. All people are like that, including your parents.

It is important that you acknowledge this. It's the only way you won't fool yourself, and you'll be better able to recognize unpleasant attitudes and motives – in your parents, in other people, and in yourself. You are more likely to recognize selfish, manipulative, and malicious intentions, and you can address them with others. You can also work on yourself: Instead of automatically adopting behavior, you can confront yourself and become a better person and relationship partner.

Step inside your parents' minds

If you look at your parents' thoughts and behaviors as closely as possible, you'll probably see things you don't want to see. Suppose you disagreed with your father. He then punished you with days of silence. When he finally came back to you, you were immensely relieved. You learned: “I shouldn't contradict Dad”. Now step into his mind and think about what his thoughts and motives were. How did he feel about you then? Did he see how you felt when he punished you?

Of course, your father saw that. He saw that he was torturing you. He wanted to silence you through this pain. If he had been honest with himself and with you, he would have said, “I have a problem with you contradicting me. I guess it has to do with my own insecurity.” But that's not how he operated. He took no responsibility for his behavior. It was okay for him to torment you.

As you can see, taking a look is often uncomfortable. But it helps you to get rid of distorted ideal images of your parents and to empower yourself.

If you don't mind a more challenging read, you might be interested in the book “Brain Talk” by David Schnarch.

Get help

Everything we suggest here is easier said than done. We definitely recommend that you get some professional help. You could start by posting some thoughts or questions in our question window.

To work through difficult issues and memories, we recommend psychotherapy or, more specifically, trauma therapy. Here we recommend that you look up several places and try more than one person. Choose a person with whom you have a good feeling. This is important because you need to build trust with this person.