Tips for sex with a partner / Tips for sexual intercourse (vaginal intercourse):
There's no one right way to have vaginal intercourse. You can try it out and talk about the way you like it. You can also influence your experience with what you do with your bodies.
What's the right way to have sex?
When it comes to vaginal intercourse, there's no right or wrong – as long as it's not painful or otherwise unpleasant. When you have sex, it's like dancing together. There's a plethora of completely different dances, and each dance can be danced in a totally individual manner. Each couple finds out for themselves what couple dances they like.
How do we get into the mood?
Some people say "Foreplay takes place 24 hours a day, 7 days a week". Meaning that rather than getting yourself into the mood you can work on never getting yourself out of the mood. It helps to treat each other nicely and to show each other your affection and attraction. It helps to flirt with each other. It helps to create space between each other so that desire can build up. It helps to know and respect what the other person likes. Maybe they need time to wind down first. Maybe they need to know you're not going to run off right away. Maybe they would like something more exciting. Find out what your partner likes, and find out what you like. What's a good setting? Where do you want to have sex? How much time do you take for it?
Why is foreplay so important?
Foreplay is actually the same as petting – except that it takes place before the penis is inside the vagina. During foreplay, you arouse yourself using your hands, your mouths, toys etc. Foreplay helps both partners get aroused enough so that intercourse is actually possible, meaning that the penis will be hard enough, and the vagina will become expanded and moist enough to take in the erect penis, and the penis will slide better. Sometimes the muscles around the vagina are quite tense. So, it's a good idea to include the vagina into foreplay, to help those muscles loosen, and to promote good blood circulation.
What positions are there?
There are countless positions for vaginal intercourse. The man can be on top. The woman can be on top. Both can lie sideways, facing each other. He can spoon her from behind. She can be on hands and knees and he can penetrate her from behind. They can sit facing each other. She can lie or sit and he can stand or kneel, depending on how high the surface she lies or sits on is. And so on: Virtually any combination of your two bodies will work, as long as the angle between the penis and vagina makes intercourse possible. What's possible highly depends on the shape of your body, the size of the penis, your physical fitness, as well as your sexual preferences and learning history.
How do we find out our best fit?
It's a good idea to try out everything at least three times. When you try out a new position it's like trying out a new dance: You're likely to step on each other's feet, so to speak, and it might not feel as wonderful as you were hoping it would. It takes practice. Please read our text on the role of practice in sexual learning. It also takes figuring out how both your sexual preferences can be compatible in dancing together. Obviously, talking helps. Tell each other how you like something, what you want to try out, or if something feels uncomfortable.
So, I thought the man does the work...?
There's this myth that the man is active and the woman is passive during vaginal intercourse. This is a recipe for boring sex – especially for the woman. As a girl or woman, in order to arouse yourself during intercourse, you have to become active. Lying still and letting him do "in-out" movements is usually not that arousing for the vagina. The vagina is best stimulated by stretching and massaging its walls, and by working the pelvic floor muscles. This is why both your own and your partner's pelvic movements are interesting for the vagina.
How do I arouse myself during intercourse?
There are basically 3 ways you can increase sexual arousal and pleasure with your body during intercourse: moving your body – in particular your pelvis –, playing with muscular tension in your pelvic region, and deep breathing. They take practice. Go ahead and look at our practice tips:
- Moving your body: Sex in motion: pelvic swing for women and Getting more skillful at sex: pelvic swing for men
- Playing with muscle tension: Pelvic floor training for women for sex (we will offer a similar text for men soon)
- Breathing: Why is deep breathing good for sex?
What's the point in practicing alone?
It's simple: If you practice alone you're not distracted, you don't have performance anxiety, and you're not trying to please anyone. It's like with dancing or playing an instrument. Practicing alone prepares you for the couples' dance or the duet. It's the same with sex.
How do I practice perceiving more?
If you know your own body better and enjoy it more, you will also enjoy sex together more. Regardless what your partner does to try to please you, you're the one who has to do the perceiving and enjoying. So, make time for yourself to explore what you might like. As a girl or woman, the more you've explored your vagina, the more areas of interest you'll have discovered for yourself, and the more ways of arousing them you'll know. From G-spot to cervix there are many interesting areas in the vagina to discover. Please check out our tips on vaginal exploration. And as a boy or man, you can prepare your penis for the sensations in the vagina with these practice tips for intercourse.
What can I do to enjoy sex more?
When your bodies are very tense, stiff or still, the blood circulation isn't as good. This will result in less pleasurable sensations. Plus, the more you tense up, the more strenuous sex becomes. Finally, muscular tension can also support unpleasant feelings, like shame, fear or even repulsion, as well as bothersome ruminations. We explain this in more detail in this text for women and in this text for men. In young men, high muscle tension can often lead to premature ejaculation, in women it can lead to pain and dryness in the vagina. That's why it is so helpful to keep your body active and moving during sex. We explain this in more detail in this text for women and in this text for men.
How do we create variety?
Sex can be boring when it's always the same old, same old. One way to create variety is to change positions. You might find out that you can create variety in one single position, by changing the angle a bit, changing the speed or amplitude of your movements, breathing differently, working your pelvic floor muscles in a different way, and so on. So, the variety in sexual intercourse can lie in the very small things. A single position can become a whole menu, depending on how you use your bodies and how you move with each other.
How do we incorporate other stuff?
In order to create more stimulation during vaginal intercourse you can stimulate other areas of your bodies, as well – the clitoris, vulva, perineum, testicles, breast, neck, feet, etc.. You can use your hands or toys. You can kiss, look into each other's eyes, take in each other's scents, do some dirty talking, watch a movie and on and on… In other words, anything goes, as long as both are okay with it. There are countless sources of sexual arousal and chances are you've only discovered a small fraction of them. You can dress up the place with candles, a red scarf over a lamp etc. You can wear something special. You can use toys of all kinds. If you're 18 or older, it can be fun to visit a sex shop for inspiration. For more ideas, there are many websites and books, for example "The Guide to Getting It On" by Paul Joannides.
How do we deal with high expectations?
Sexual intercourse is about trying out -– again and again –, experiencing how it feels and gradually learning what you like. We can't stress this enough: Don't give up if something new doesn't work out at first attempt. Many people have high expectations about the "first time". This is quite often a recipe for disaster. Good sex doesn't fall from the sky. It takes practice. The lower you keep your expectations, the less you will be let down. A good sexual knowledge base and clear communication before trying something also helps to lower anxiety and improve your odds of success tremendously. The more comfortable you are talking about sex and your own internal states, the easier it will be to mix ‘n match with another person. Misunderstandings and unmet expectations can more often than not be avoided by simply talking with each other first. Sex might feel like magic – but it's not magic.