Love and Relationship / How do I solve relationship problems?:

Are you fighting with your partner? A little time-out is worth a thousand words. It should have a clear duration and clear rules.

Why does the fight always play out in the same way?

Maybe you know the situation: you are arguing and it gets louder and louder. And more and more unpleasant things are said. It's really just about putting the other person down. It ends in shouting and maybe even tears. Sometimes things fly through air. Doors are slammed. And when it gets really bad, it gets violent. And afterwards you regret it. You think to yourself: How could this happen? Maybe you don't really remember what the fight was about. How's this possible?

Why can't I think clearly when I'm arguing?

Arguing puts you under stress. When you get very stressed, something happens to you. Your mind and body sense danger. Everything goes into fight or flight. This means that blood rushes to your arms and legs. The body actually wants to run away or strike out. This is also known as the fight or flight mode. Your brain has less blood available. So you are not able to think as well as before. As a result, you often say a lot of rubbish in arguments. And you often don't remember what it was all about later.

You can find out more about the fight or flight mode in our text on the autonomic nervous system.

Why does the other person seem like an enemy?

When your mind and body are in a state of alert, ready to fight or flee, you feel the same: you are more likely to feel fear or anger. Fear makes you want to run. Anger makes you want to fight. And you tend to see the people around you as enemies. You can get out of this state. We recommend our text How do I calm myself down?.

When does the alarm state help, when does it make solutions more difficult?

Imagine that there really is someone physically attacking you. Then this reaction makes a lot of sense. But your partner probably doesn't want to hurt you physically. And then the reaction of seeing them as enemies doesn't make sense. It would actually be good if you could find solutions together. You can't do that with an anemic brain that sees the other person as an enemy.

How do I stop the fight?

So there's only one thing to do when things get this heated: take a time-out. You shout: “Stop, time out for two hours!” You walk away. You close the door. You lock it. You leave the house. Your partner is not going to like this at all. But you do it anyway. Because the good thing is: after half an hour at the latest, you'll have calmed down again and you'll no longer be in this fight-or-flight state. You will be able to think more clearly.

What do I do during the time-out?

The time-out is not an escape. It gives both of you a chance to clear your heads again. Drinking alcohol during the time-out is therefore not a good idea. Neither are long phone calls with your best friend. Walks in the fresh air are better. Alone. After the initial cool-down, the goal is to figure out what it was all about. Ask yourself:

• What was I trying to achieve during the argument?
• What did I say to achieve it?
• What did I actually achieve?
• How could I say it better?
• Did he or she awaken any fears in me? Which ones?
• What did my partner want?
• What made them so stressed?
• What is the best way to find a solution together?

Why should we agree on time-out rules in advance?

It is crucial that you clarify in advance how you will handle time-outs. Because imagine this: You yell, “I need a two-hour time-out!” in the middle of an argument. Your partner is sure to respond with “Not now!” or “That's cowardly!”. You shouldn't let this unsettle you: You can withdraw now. Because that's what you agreed beforehand. And once your partner has raged or sulked for a while, he or she will come back to the mutual agreement.

How do I agree on time-out rules?

Sit down with your partner in a quiet moment and discuss that you would like to introduce time-outs. Explain to him or her what you have read here. Only if he or she thinks it's a good idea can you set the time-out rules.

Why should a time-out have a clear duration?

You may be familiar with the situation where the other person simply withdraws and punishes you with silence. They don't say how long it will last. This is basically bad torture because they know that you're under stress because you don't know what's going to happen next. A time-out is not about punishing or torturing the other person. And that's why when you call a time-out, you always say how long it's going to be. So: “I need a time-out! For two hours”.

How long should a time-out last?

Experienced couples have a sense of how long a time-out should be. They know how long they need to relax. We recommend two hours to start with. This gives you time to calm down and think clearly. If the argument is right before going to bed, take the time-out until the next morning.

Why does a longer time-out not necessarily get me anywhere?

When you call a time-out, you may think that it would be best if it was a week long because the other person is annoying you so much. But as soon as you calm down, you realize that a week is far, far too long. Such a long break also invites you to distract yourself and not deal with the problem. And that's not the point of a time-out.

Why do you need to apologize afterwards?

Most arguments happen because someone is trying to get their way on something. In a fight, neither of you gets your way. Instead, you hurt each other with words (and maybe even with your hands). During the time-out, realize that the fight was no longer about having a good relationship with each other. Instead, you said things that were meant to hurt. Make sure that you can honestly apologize for this after the time-out. Only then is it possible to have a conversation that will really help you move forward.

Are we a team?

A conversation is only useful if you both have the same goal in mind - which is basically to have a good time together. After all, a couple is also a team. Team players need to make compromises for the sake of the team. During a fight, it's easy to forget the team spirit and the team goal. And the team becomes a team against each other.

How does a time-out restore team spirit?

The time-out helps you to get back to working together. Separated from each other, you can both think freely again and concentrate on what is really important to you. This is not about winning regardless of losses. It's a partnership that works.

What if time-outs don't work?

Time-outs work better if you practise them. So give yourself a practice period. You can also write to us if you notice that you're stuck somewhere. But you may also realize that it's not working for you because you're not really a team: you may find that the whole relationship is a conflict. Then it's time for you to fundamentally rethink the relationship.