Love and Relationship / How do I solve relationship problems?:

Why do couples fight? There are many reasons. Stress can be one. But it can also be due to serious relationship problems. Understanding the reasons can help you better control your fighting behavior.

What does fighting actually mean?

Suppose you have a partner. You have different opinions or different needs. So you have a conflict of opinion or a conflict of needs. You talk about it. Your goal is to find a solution.

That's not what we mean by fighting. Fighting is only when there is a high level of emotional involvement: you may be really frustrated. Or you're angry. When emotions are running so high, it's often the case that the solution is no longer the goal. It is much more about wanting to be right, or wanting to defend yourself against the other person, or even wanting to attack or hurt them. Instead of expressing your wishes to your partner, you pick on them - or they pick on you, or both pick on each other.

This doesn't really make sense when you consider that you could be a team and find solutions together. But why do people argue? There are several reasons.

Quite normal: arguments due to stress

You probably know this: when you're stressed, you're more likely to lose it. You're tense. And when you're tense, you're more likely to argue. You're more likely to see your partner as an enemy. This is a completely natural process that is controlled by your autonomic nervous system. We highly recommend that you read this text to better understand this and to understand how you can better influence it.

It is inevitable for the vast majority of couples that stress and tension will lead to arguments. In this case, it is enormously helpful if you take time out to cool down and calm down before you continue talking to each other. This way, you avoid hurting each other unnecessarily. And you'll get back to the feeling of “we're a team”. You can read more about argument time-outs in this text.

Problematic: fights as a sign of relationship problems

If you have fights, this can also be a sign of relationship problems. You're not really a team, and you're not trying to resolve conflicts. Instead, everyone is fighting for themselves and against each other. Here are some reasons why and some solutions:

Fighting out of resentment

Maybe you haven't told the other person clearly what you think for a long time. Perhaps you have neglected certain needs for the sake of peace. Maybe there are even deep-seated hurts that you haven't really talked about and worked through. Things can build up. Resentments build up. And when your partner does or says something in the blink of an eye, it's one time too many.

The problem here is: You haven't found a good way to express yourself clearly and assert yourself in the relationship. You may be interested in this text on fair conflict resolution.

Arguments due to secret expectations

Arguments can also be an expression of the fact that you imagined a dream partner at the beginning of the relationship. However, as the relationship progressed, you realized that the real person you are with does not match this image. You may have placed expectations on the person or the relationship that are now not being met.

In an argument, you take out your frustration about the reality of things on your partner.

It is helpful to realize that your expectations are the problem, not the other person. Expectations are usually unrealistic (dream partners too, of course). We're not talking about expectations that you can have because you've made a firm agreement with each other. We are talking about secret expectations. These arise when we need something from the other person. They have to fulfill something for us. We can't do that ourselves. They have to be strong, or successful, or always there for us when we're feeling bad - and so on. These expectations make you extremely dependent on the other person. And the other person can't just be the way they are, with all their smelly socks.

Often, constant criticism is a sign that secret expectations have not been met. The solution to this problem is for you to develop more independence in the relationship. Here are a few tips.

Fighting to set boundaries

You're always stuck together? Just us? No me and you? If you are very close as a couple, an argument can be an attempt to feel yourself again. Because that doesn't happen enough if you're just stuck on each other. The argument makes you feel that you are different from the other person again. “I have a different opinion now.” Then it's all about disagreeing with the other person. This is how you experience a boundary between you and the other person. By arguing, you set yourself apart or even detach yourself from the other person.

The problem here is that you are so fused together. In a relationship, it is extremely important that both of you are able to keep your own space. We recommend the tips on more independence again.

Arguing out of a desire for passion

Let's say your relationship has become a little lukewarm and boring over time. The passion of the beginning is no longer there. You're stuck in a rut together that feels unsatisfying. An argument feels very different. Now you experience yourselves as opposed to each other, yet intensely engaged, alive.

The problem here is that you can't keep the relationship alive. This may be because you don't really dare to be open with each other. Your partner may have an extremely exciting life of their own - and so do you. But you keep this to yourself for fear of rejection. 

You may also need arguments to feel alive. Without them, you may feel empty, and perhaps even depressed. You may also be interested in our text on the autonomic nervous system.

Fighting as the only form of relationship

It could also be that you secretly see your partner as an enemy. You don't really expect anything good from this person. You see the relationship as one of antagonism, not togetherness.

This may be because the other person doesn't really mean well for you. The interesting thing is: Why did you choose that partner? There is a good reason. Maybe it's because you learned as a child that people don't treat you well. Today this is normal for you.

It could also be that you don't mean well for the other person. Maybe because you sense that they don't mean well for you. Or because you don't expect anything good from other people in general. Because people are basically enemies. This attitude is also usually the result of a difficult "relationship learning history" in childhood. If you want to explore this, we recommend this text.