Sexual problems and solutions / Rapid or premature ejaculation:

Lack of sensitivity, high muscle tension and stress: Many men come faster than they want. You can learn to regulate your sexual arousal better if you focus more on what happens in your penis and learn to enjoy sexual arousal.

What's rapid? What's premature?

In sex therapy, when we talk about "rapid ejaculation", we mean about 30 seconds to 2 minutes. When we talk about "premature ejaculation", we mean less than 30 seconds – during sexual intercourse perhaps even before penetration. Maybe you think you come too quickly because you last 10 minutes and your partner wants you to last half an hour. But what if you had a partner who wanted you to come within 5 minutes? And you take 10? So you see, the terms "rapid" and "premature" are relative. Whatever the case is with you: It's always worth learning to steer your sexual arousal so that you come when you want to. This might be in a minute for a quickie, or in half an hour or longer if your really want to enjoy the ride.

I come too quickly – am I too arousable?

Coming too quickly is actually a sign that you're a sexually healthy man. You're sexually aroused easily. And you're good at increasing sexual arousal. You have a problem regulating it. Many men try to solve the problem of coming too quickly by thinking thoughts that turn them off. And there are websites and doctors or therapists that recommend taking pills or applying creams that lower your libido and make you feel less. We are strongly opposed to that. These sex-negative "solutions" might help you in the short term, but as you get older and your testosterone levels go down somewhat and your penis doesn't fill with blood so quickly anymore, you might actually end up with erectile dificulties. We suggest the opposite: Focus more on your arousal. The solution is to learn to really perceive it well. This way you can regulate it and it won't go through the roof before you want it to.

How come I can't regulate my arousal?

Let's say you're single-mindedly heading for ejaculation. You're not so interested in feeling what happens in your body during sexual arousal. There's this point of no return (PNR or PONR) in sex. At that point you can't stop, and the orgasm and ejaculation are triggered. You come even if you don't want to. It's like driving a Ferrari towards a cliff. The sexual arousal is the Ferrari. The cliff is the point of no return. Imagine not noticing the cliff. Then you don't take your foot off the gas in time. And so you shoot over the precipice into the water... There's nothing wrong with the Ferrari. You just haven't learned to operate it yet. Likewise, if, during sexual arousal, you don't feel the point of no return, you cannot stop your sexual arousal from rising more at the right moment. So you ejaculate even though you don't want to yet. Therefore, the first step to better control your sexual arousal is to learn to feel what happens in your penis during sexual arousal.

Why should I make the ride more enjoyable?

For many men, sexual arousal is just a means to an end: they want to come, period. So naturally delaying ejaculation is hard, because it just means enduring for a longer period of time. What's the point? Who wants a journey to last longer if he does not enjoy it? This is why it is important that you learn to enjoy sexual arousal. Then it will make sense to you that it should last longer. It's like driving a Ferrari through a totally interesting area with good music in good company. It's worth slowing down. Also, learning to enjoy sexual arousal more helps prevent or solve other sexual problems like lack of desire or erectile difficulties. Read on, and we'll show you tips on how to learn to enjoy sexual arousal more.

How much muscular tension do I apply?

Maybe you stimulate your penis rather ferociously when you're aroused. Maybe your body is in a still position, and you tense your buttocks and pelvic floor muscles. This way, you can rapidly increase sexual arousal. In fact, in many young men fast rubbing, pressure and high muscle tension are excellent techniques to increase arousal. They are not good techniques to steer or regulate it. This is because when you're so tense, you don't perceive what exactly happens inside your body, and especially in your penis. The blood-flow isn't so good, because the muscular pressure is higher than the blood pressure. Remember: In order to regulate your arousal you have to feel it. So a good trick to prevent premature ejaculation is to not tense your muscles as much when you are sexually aroused – especially the muscles in your pelvis and buttocks.

How anxious and stressed out am I?

Maybe you come even more quickly when you have sex with another person. This might be because you think they're just so hot. Or maybe you're nervous and stressed out because you want to please your partner and not come too quickly. However, this anxiety automatically makes you tense up more. Or maybe you have sex in a very tense position. You may even intentionally tense the muscles in your buttocks and pelvis to hold back ejaculation. But as mentioned above, tensing muscles is a good way to come quicker. Please read more about the problems of high muscular tension during sex in this text.

So, how do I reduce muscular tension?

Don't worry, we're not going to tell you to "just relax". We know how hard that is. Also, there's no point in being completely relaxed during sex. Muscular tension increases automatically during sexual arousal. In fact, sexual arousal needs some level of muscular tension. So when you are completely relaxed, your sexual arousal virtually falls asleep. The solution is to alternate between tension and relaxation. The best way to do this is to move. Every movement means that some muscles contract and others expand. Some tense up, others relax. So when you move during sex, your muscles can't tense up so much, your blood circulation is better, you feel more, and your sexual arousal gets the necessary muscular activation. Please read more about movement during sex in this text.

How self-confident am I?

When you have sex with another person, do you tend to lose yourself? You want to perform well and please them – and you totally forget about your own pleasure? It's a good idea if you learn to really enjoy sex, on a physical and genital level, as well. This will give you a more deep-rooted feeling of self-confidence as a man. So focusing on yourself is an important step if you're the kind of man whose goal usually is to please your partner. This also means practicing by yourself. You will be more at ease emotionally, and you won't be so distracted. And it's a really good idea if you build up a good relationship with yourself as a man as well as with your penis.

How comfortable am I with emotional intimacy?

Maybe you shy the emotional intimacy during sex. You might love your partner, but you find it hard to combine the genital and the emotional. So deep down you appreciate sex being over quickly. Everything else is too intense emotionally, and you might be afraid to lose yourself. The more self-confident you are as a man, the more courage you'll have to really go into the encounter – sexually and emotionally – with your partner. For you, too, it will be helpful to develop a good relationship with yourself as a man as well as with your penis.

Am I more invested in her*his happiness than mine?

Ask yourself the following questions:

• How emotionally charged am I during penetration? Am I in a state of calm, or am I highly emotionally aroused/stressed out?
• What's more important to me during penetration with a partner: my sexual arousal and satisfaction, or emotional aspects such as love or being close to my partner?
• What's more important: my genital needs or intimacy and attachment to my partner?
• What's more important: my needs or satisfying my partner's needs? Am I willing to put my needs first?
• How much am I investing in my own genital foundation? How much time am I willing to invest? Am I willing to invest 20 minutes three times a week?

It's quite frequent that men who come very rapidly are very emotionally charged/stressed during penetration and quite tense due to this emotional charge. It's also typical that there's more investment on the emotional level than the genital level, and more focus on pleasing the other person than on one's own needs. If this is true for you, it is crucial that you put yourself first and invest time in yourself.

How do I learn to focus more on my own needs?

We suggest that you follow these tips:

• Practice, using the tips we describe in this text. Schedule 20 minute time slots, 3 times a week. Don't wait till you want to practice. Tell yourself that this will help you become a better lover.
• Work on regulating your emotions better. Self-awareness and mindfulness exercises are great for this, especially when they include training better body perception. Please also look at our breathing tips and familiarize yourself with our text on muscular tension.
• Be aware that focusing on your partner is not doing them any service. It might just be that you're using your partner to co-regulate yourself and your own emotions. You become dependent on whatever your partner does, and how they react to you. The goal is to become more independent and autonomous in your relationship. If you like reading, you might be interested in the book "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch.

Why is practice so important?

No matter what the causes for your rapid or premature ejaculation are, the good news is that you can learn to control your sexual arousal better. The bad news is that you need to practice. The tips below will help you. But it is not enough to read them and try them out once or twice! Even though you may want a significant improvement NOW, a little time and patience is needed. But you will notice changes very soon if you practice regularly. We recommend that you read this text on sexual learning and this text on practicing for sex. Those texts will motivate you for your own practice project.

How do I learn to feel my penis better?

The first rule to better perception is: slow down. You feel much more easily what is going on in your penis when you touch it with slow movements than when you rub it quickly. A good oil, e.g. almond oil, works best – unless you want to have sex with a latex condom within 24 hours. If you do, use a water-based lube or lots of spit – oil wrecks those condoms. Find a quiet, comfortable place. Take some time and see what kind of touches there are: slower, lighter, firmer, softer. Use the hand you don't usually use. The goal is not to arouse yourself, but to just explore your penis. Even if you may find this boring at first, you will develop a better sensitivity to what's going on inside and around your penis over time. Spend a couple of minutes exploring in bed in the morning and in the evening. See what feelings you can tickle out of your penis. Your penis is not just a means to an end that has to function. It can feel good beyond that. The more you feel in your penis, the more you'll enjoy sexual arousal. You'll get more ideas about penis exploration in this text on masturbation.

How do I learn to feel the point of no return?

This exercise is a bit of a challenge – but it really helps you learn to time your ejaculation: Find a quiet, comfortable place. Stimulate your penis the usual way to arouse yourself. If you feel like "it's about to happen", touch the penis less or more slowly – if all else fails, let go completely. This will allow the sexual arousal to subside a bit. Maybe you lose your erection a bit. That's normal. Now stimulate your penis the usual way to arouse yourself again. If you notice that it gets close to the point of no return again, touch it less or more slowly or let go entirely. Repeat this as often as possible – preferably five times –, before you allow yourself to come. Maybe you will only succeed once at the beginning. Maybe you can only arouse yourself for a few seconds before you have to take a break to avoid coming. You may not even be able to feel when you reach the point of no return at all in the beginning, and you will immediately shoot past it. It doesn't matter: The more often you do this exercise, the better you will succeed in lowering your sexual arousal in time.

How can I reduce tension and move more?

The best way to stay loose during sex is to move your pelvis. Please read our tips for more movement using the pelvic swing. It is especially important for you to do these exercises. Remember: When you move during sex, your muscles do not tense up as much and you will be able to control your arousal better. You will also be able to feel what is going on in your genitals better because the blood circulation is better. And finally, our brain associates movement with more pleasant states of mind than tension. Imagine sitting tensely at a desk versus running, dancing, or kicking a football. Your emotional state is likely to be much better when you move your body.

What can I do to lower my anxiety?

Many men breathe shallowly during sex, or they forget to breathe and hold their breath. This will actually make you more tense and anxious. Deep breathing, on the other hand, will calm you down. It allows for more pleasant thoughts during arousal. And finally, it also helps loosen the muscles in your belly and pelvic area. You'll learn more about this in our tips on abdominal breathing.