Sexuality: facts and tips / Sex tips and exercises for women and all vulva & vagina owners:
Muscle tensing is very arousing, however, sometimes it can cause problems. Maybe you feel less pleasure or you have unpleasant feelings and thoughts. Maybe you're not getting wet and you're having pain during sexual intercourse.
Sexual arousal needs tension
When aroused, the tension of the muscles in the pelvis increases. This happens automatically. In other words, sexual arousal needs tension. With relaxed muscles, you will never reach an orgasm because an orgasm relies on activity and increased blood circulation. If you just relax, your arousal falls asleep.
Muscular tension is sexually arousing
Muscle tension and pressure cause nerve endings within the muscles (so-called proprioceptors) to be stimulated. This information is passed on to the brain and experienced as arousing. Many women use strong muscle tension in the buttocks, pelvis, thighs or the whole body to arouse themselves, often in combination with pressure. This allows them to quickly reach a climax.
Countless variations of arousal
There are countless ways to arouse yourself with muscle tension and pressure. You might press your genitals with your finger or fist. You might press your genitals against objects. Or you might press your thighs together or cross your legs with lots of pressure – without touching yourself. You might stimulate your genitals with a vibrator or the shower head or your finger, while at the same time tensing the muscles in your pelvis or even your whole body. During sexual intercourse, you might have found a position where enough muscular tension and pressure is possible to arouse yourself.
High tension allows for little pleasure
If the muscle tension is high, the blood supply to the genitals is weaker, because the muscle pressure is higher than the blood pressure. You can see this if you make a fist and press really hard. Do you notice how the knuckles turn white? Where there's less blood you perceive less – particularly less pleasurable sensations. So you might experience an orgasm as rather underwhelming. You might look forward to the relaxation after the strenuous arousal more than to the orgasm itself. In fact, you might even ask yourself whether you had an orgasm at all.
High tension can lead to pain
The vagina is not well supplied with blood during times of high muscle tension. This makes it less moist and less wide. Therefore, if you arouse yourself only with high muscle tension, you may experience problems if a penis or dildo is inserted into the vagina. You might experience pain during sexual intercourse. Even if you don't experience pain or have no problems with dryness, you might find no position where you can clench your muscles in an arousing way during sexual intercourse.
High tension can lead to conflict
Imagine you only find strong, powerful stimulation arousing – in a very specific position where a lot of pressure is possible. Your partner, on the other hand, likes sensual sex. You don't. You might experience tender touches as irritating – which is typical in a state of high muscle tension. This might hurt your partner. It is important for both of you to understand that this is not a sign of a lack of love, but of high muscle tension.
High tension is not compatible with feelings of love
Actually, the body is tense under stress. This condition is associated with unpleasant feelings such as anger, fear or shame. You're more focused on seeing potential danger and enemies. Therefore, if you arouse yourself with high muscle tension, you may find it difficult to combine sexuality and feelings of love. Feelings of love need a greater degree of relaxation. Maybe you like role-plays and your partner does, as well. During role-plays you can live out "hard" fantasies and desires and still be a loving couple.
High tension can be experienced as disturbing
Very high muscle tension during sex can lead to fantasies with rather violent contents. You might experience this as disturbing. But it's actually normal: In high muscle tension no romantic, moving pictures pop up during sex. High muscle tension translates much rather into pictures e.g. of being tied up or being taken hard. You might even develop images of penetrating somewhere or even having a penis, because the strong muscle tension is experienced like a pole in the vagina. You might start to question your sexual identity.
The solution is to move
When we are relaxed, we feel more, it is more pleasant, we enjoy more and we feel better. So, does that mean you're just supposed to relax during sex? No: Then your sexual arousal falls asleep. It needs a little muscle tone. By doing what? The solution is to move. When you move your body, certain muscles always work and their antagonists relax. This means that you tense some muscles and relax other muscles at the same time. And so, like a cat, you get your cuddles during sex. You can read more about the benefits of moving during sex in this text. We also recommend our tips on moving the pelvis for men and for women, playing with pc-muscles (tips for women), and abdominal breathing.