Sexual problems and solutions / Vaginismus: When the vagina seems too tight:

There are things that you can do to learn to enjoy the feeling of actively taking in something with your vagina. If you're patient and practice regularly, you will overcome this problem.

Does the vagina need to be stretched?

If your vagina seems too tight, you might have 2 fundamentally wrong ideas:

1. The idea that the vagina needs to be stretched. No! A vagina is inherently stretchy enough for a baby's head to get through! The problem is tense muscles.
2. The idea that the vagina has to endure the pain until it becomes wider. No! You don't relax muscles through painful stretching! So: Take a break from sexual intercourse. Don't try to insert your fingers - or a dildo.

What helps with tense pelvic floor muscles?

Please read about the reasons why your pelvic floor muscles might tighten. To overcome this issue, several steps are necessary:

• Learn to feel and control the muscles in your pelvic floor. This way, you can choose how much you want to tense or relax these muscles during sex.
• Instead of passively suffering something being inserted, your vagina will take on an active role of taking something in. To do this, it's important to learn to move your pelvis.
• Familiarize yourself with your vagina. That's how you know what the inside is like, and you start to really «inhabit» your vagina more and more. Try to think of your vagina as a cave: a cozy and spacious place where you can welcome guests.
• Practice sexually arousing yourself by stimulating your vagina. When you take in fingers, a penis or other objects with your vagina, your brain will increasingly associate this with pleasure instead of pain.

Where and how often should I practice?

Find a place where you are undisturbed – your bed, for example. The place should be warm because warmth helps you relax. Taking a warm shower beforehand can make relaxing even easier. We recommend that you practice at least 4 times a week. When you practice, you are actively contributing to your sexual health. The exercises described here are meant to be done alone. To find exercises you can do with a partner, look at our tips for practicing with a partner.

How can I explore and control my pelvic floor muscles?

Make sure you're lying or sitting comfortably during the exercises. If you're sitting, round your back slightly: this way the vagina is tilted forward and more relaxed.

• Try to tense the pelvic floor muscles slowly. To locate the pelvic floor muscles, imagine you are stopping the flow of urine. (Note: You should not actually do the exercise while urinating. It's not good for the bladder.) Now try to tighten these muscles. Then see if you can tense them even more. Then a bit less again.
• Repeat this several times a day. Over time, playing with your pelvic floor muscles like this will help you become more aware of them, so you'll be able to intentionally tense and relax them.
• Please continue on to our pelvic floor training exercises. Do the exercises described in this text. Some of the exercises involve a finger inside the vagina, and you might not be ready for this yet. Don't worry: Do the exercises you can do.

How can my vagina actively take something in?

• Take a mirror and look at your vulva. Make sure that you can clearly see the vaginal opening. Then tighten the pelvic floor muscles. Do you see the movement at the vaginal opening?
• Put lubricant, some oil or lots of saliva on your hand. Place your finger in front of the vaginal opening. Now move your vaginal opening towards the finger. This means you're moving your pelvis. Tighten the pelvic floor muscles. Can you feel how well the vagina can close around your finger? Do you notice the difference when you relax the muscles a little? The more you practice, the better you will be able to feel the difference between tense and loose muscles.
• Press on the finger a little using your vaginal opening. To do this, move your pelvis towards the finger. Maybe your vagina will take in the finger just a bit. Maybe the finger will go all the way in. Go as far as you want: You are in control. Only take in the finger to the extent that it doesn't hurt. Take your time. Your vagina may not be ready to take in the finger at first. After you've practiced a few times, it will work.
• With your fingertip inside the vaginal opening, hold the finger completely still. Now move your pelvis forward so that the finger slides into the vagina. Move your pelvis back so that the finger comes out again. You see: the vagina can actually be very active. It pulls the finger in by itself. Imagine doing that during intercourse: moving constantly, moving your pelvis. Do you realize now that your vagina is not just lying there passively? Your vagina is actively taking in – and, while doing so, it actively arouses itself.
• Slowly move your pelvis in a circular motion. This allows your vagina to gently massage itself on your finger(s). Do you feel like moving your fingers? Then do it. You can stroke, rub, or press the inner walls of your vagina. Pay attention to all the sensations inside your vagina. By repeating this often,  your vagina will become more sensitive and you will start to notice more and stronger sensations. A touch feels pleasant? Then touch yourself like this again and again. Also, experiment with intensifying the touch: press harder or rub faster.
• Play around with moving your pelvis. Rock and circle it. Keep your finger still inside your vagina while you move your pelvis in all sorts of ways. You can move back and forth or side to side – do whatever comes to mind. How does it feel when you tighten and relax your pelvic floor muscles? Try that out, too.
• Deep breathing relaxes you and helps the blood flow to the vagina – and more blood flow means more pleasurable sensations.

How can I take in thicker objects with my vagina?

• Gradually, you will get used to the feeling of taking in a finger with your vagina. With time, you might try it with your thumb. Or with 2 fingers. An important note: Get your vagina used to larger «guests» very gradually. Go step by step. Even when you can already easily take in your finger, it's very possible for a dildo or penis to still be too thick for your vagina. Patience is important. If you're impatient, you'll tense up and then you may give up in frustration, despite actually succeeding. Imagine you got your vagina used to 1 finger. Then you try 2 fingers and the vagina tenses up again. Don't give up: It's really about getting the vagina used to it millimeter by millimeter.
• You could also buy dilators. A dilator set consists of several dildos ranging from small and thin to large and thick. However, they are usually quite expensive. Another interesting option is to buy modeling beeswax. You can use it to form dildos in whatever size you want. If you put a condom over them, you can reuse them several times. The beeswax is not completely solid. So you can also use it to  test different sizes,  shapes and angles.

How do I get to know my vagina and make it a source of sexual arousal?

Once you're able to take in a finger, we recommend that you go on an «exploratory journey» inside your vagina. That way, you'll slowly create a mental image of it, - an inner «map» of your vagina, so to speak. For this, we recommend our tips «How do I learn to perceive more inside my vagina?».