Sexual problems and solutions / Vaginismus: When the vagina seems too tight:

Maybe it feels like your vagina is "too tight" to insert anything. Most likely, that's because your pelvic floor muscles involuntarily tense up. Some call this vaginismus. Through practice, you can overcome this problem and find pleasurable ways of taking in fingers, a penis or other things.

What if the penis is very big?

Sometimes, the penis is really just very big. If you only experience this painful feeling of tightness with a partner who has a particularly large, thick penis, it's most likely not vaginismus. We are currently translating tips for intercourse with a large, thick penis. You can find the german version here.

What if intercourse is possible, but just very painful?

If intercourse is possible but very painful. You are most likely dealing with painful intercourse not vaginismus. We are currently translating our text on painful intercourse due to muscular tension. You can find the german version here.

The vagina is not too tight...

So if the problem isn't a very large penis and you still experience this painful tightness, what's the problem? First of all: the vagina is not really too tight. Keep in mind that the vagina is stretchable enough for a baby's head to pass through.

...but the muscles can contract involuntarily

However, it is possible for your pelvic floor muscles to become so tense that having intercourse or inserting objects into your vagina becomes very painful or even impossible. The muscles tense up involuntarily – without you wanting it or even being aware of it. This is often called vaginismus. We don't really like this word because it makes it sound like an illness – which it isn't. It's simply something your body does. The good news is: If you want to change it, there are many things you can do.

Why do my pelvic floor muscles tense up?

There are several reasons why your muscles tense up. Maybe they tense up in all situations – not only during sex, but also when you try to use a tampon, or during a gynecological exam etc. Or you might notice it only when you try to have vaginal intercourse. 

• Tensing due to (fear of) pain

You may experience pain when something is inserted into your vagina, e.g. during sexual intercourse. There can be various reasons for this. Pain makes muscles tighten, that's perfectly normal. But tensing makes intercourse even more painful. So your muscles tighten even more because of the pain... Over time, this may lead to your muscles tensing up "preemptively" before any penetration even takes place because you are afraid of pain or are expecting it. So in a way, your body is trying to protect you from further pain.

• Being unfamiliar with your vagina

It's also possible that you simply don't know your vagina very well yet. In this case we recommend you take a look at these tips about exploring your vagina. Being unfamiliar with something usually makes it a bit scary. If someone you like touches your hand, that's probably not very scary. You know what your hand looks like and how your skin reacts to being touched. Maybe you'll get goose bumps, but they won't worry you because you know that's just normal skin behavior. The problem is: You might not know your vagina anywhere near as well as your hands. If you don't really know what lies behind the vaginal opening, how large your vagina is or what happens to it when you are sexually aroused, then you will likely feel insecure. Your body's – sensible – reaction in this case is to try to prevent something scary from happening. In other words, the pelvic floor muscles will tense up so that nothing can enter. This happens involuntarily, i.e. without your conscious intention.

• Fear of pregnancy

You may be so afraid of getting pregnant that your vagina "closes up". If this is the case you are probably able to put fingers or objects (like a dildo) into your vagina or have a gynecological exam without problems – only inserting a penis doesn't work. Educating yourself about contraception and choosing a suitable contraceptive method that you trust definitely helps here. Maybe you know everything about contraception – in fact, you know more than those around you –, but you still don't believe it will work. You might be overwhelmed by the thought of potentially becoming a mother. In this case, we recommend our text on fear of pregnancy. It will soon be available in English. For now you can check it out in German (or use a translation tool) here.

• Ambivalence about pregnancy

Imagine this: You want to have children. But you don't want to. Or, not really with this partner. On the other hand, it would be good with this partner, and it's time to have kids… Maybe your biological clock is ticking, but you're not really ready. Or you feel too young, but your partner is really pressuring you. But what about your career? And so on: There are many reasons for ambivalence around becoming pregnant. Sometimes we're really aware of this ambivalence. Sometimes we're not. You might tell yourself "I want a baby", but there's a big part in you that doesn't. Your pelvic floor muscles might speak for the part that doesn't. It's a good idea to listen to your pelvic floor muscles and figure out what's really going on.

• Relationship issues

Let's say your relationship is difficult. You want to have sex – maybe because you want to avoid conflict. But sex isn't possible, because the vagina is too tight. The reason might be that your pelvic floor muscles say "no" for you when you yourself don't see what's wrong here or you're not assertive enough to point it out. In this case it's a good idea to listen to the pelvic floor muscles and figure out what you can do to become more autonomous and assertive in your relationship.

• General anxiety and tension

Being stressed out or anxious can also contribute to high tension in the pelvic floor muscles. This isn't the sole cause for vaginismus, but it can definitely contribute to the issue.

Practice can help!

Experiencing tight pelvic floor muscles doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Blaming yourself will only make you feel more anxious and afraid. Try to be kind to yourself and focus on the positive: practice helps, and we have a lot of practice tips you can do on your own. If you have a partner, you can also follow these tips together. By practicing, you are actively supporting your sexual health.