Sexual problems and solutions / Vaginismus: When the vagina seems too tight:

When practicing as a couple, it's important that the person with the issues around vaginal tightness is setting the rules.

Don't forget to practice on your own

If your vagina seems too tight for a finger, penis or dildo, there are some things you can do together. But you have to practice on your own as well. That's the best way to literally take your sexuality into your own hands. This is important if you want to gain control over your pelvic floor muscles. And, you need to be able to focus entirely on yourself. As a partner, please also read our tips for partners when the vagina seems "too tight".

With another person, you set the rules

So what can you do as a couple? The most important thing about all these tips is that you dictate what and how much is done. Your partner should follow your rules. Try to keep in mind: You are just as active during sex as the other person. Your vagina actively takes in the finger, penis or strap-on, and your vagina sexually arouses itself by doing it.

How big is a penis/dildo? A reality check

Try taking a sheet of paper and drawing a penis or dildo and a vagina. How big is the vagina? How big is the penis/dildo? People who struggle with tight pelvic floor muscles often overestimate the size of a penis/dildo in relation to the vagina. This becomes apparent in their drawings. But the vagina is big enough for a baby's head! Doing a penis/ dildo "reality check" can help you feel more at ease. To do this, use your hands to touch and feel the penis/dildo. Familiarize yourself with it by stroking it and playing with it. You can get even more familiar with it by putting it in your mouth.

How can I take in my partner's finger?

We recommend this exercise if you have never been able to take in your partner's finger with your vagina. We recommend waiting until you've gotten used to taking in your own fingers during solo practice. Start with just one of your partner's fingers. It's important that you take hold of the (wet!) finger. You should be in control of the other person's finger. Place it on your vulva, use it to stroke your labia and clitoris, and then move it towards the vaginal opening. Move your vaginal opening towards the finger by moving your pelvis and see if you want to take the finger in a little. If you're not ready, be patient and just try again next time. If it works well, your partner can start to be more active with their finger. For example, they could gently massage the vaginal walls. Make sure to agree that you will immediately say "stop" if anything feels uncomfortable. In that case, you should slow things down a bit.

When can I try with multiple fingers or a slim dildo?

Once your vagina can easily take in one of your partner's fingers, it's time to try a thicker finger or 2 fingers. The procedure is exactly the same as before: you take in the fingers with the vagina, your partner then very slowly becomes active themselves. If you have a slim dildo or a similar object, then you can gradually start doing the same with that. Make sure to use sufficient lubrication (wetness). Using lube can really help here.

Always keep moving

This tip applies to everybody who has a vagina – and especially to you: if you keep moving your pelvis fluidly (in a serpentine motion) throughout these activities, your muscles won't tense. You'll also feel like you're actively participating in the sex, not just passively tolerating it. Last but not least, your vagina will get wetter and more sensitive. That way, you'll learn to experience taking something in with your vagina as arousing and pleasurable. Please also read this text for more on the benefits of movement during sex.

How can I take in a penis/strap-on?

Once your vagina can easily accommodate multiple fingers, you might want to try taking in a penis or strap-on. To do this, hold the penis/strap-on in your hand, then place it on your vulva, stroking your labia and clitoris with it before moving it towards the vaginal opening. Move your vaginal opening towards the tip of the penis/strap-on by moving your pelvis and see if you want to take it in a little. At first, your vagina may only want to take in the tip. With time, it will likely want to take in more. Your partner should remain passive at first and only start to move their pelvis once you give them the green light. Again, make sure to immediately say "stop" if anything feels uncomfortable. Just go slowly and at your own pace.

Remember: arousal is key

Being really aroused before penetration is always necessary (and desirable!). If intercourse is part of your sexual play, then get into the habit of always taking in a few fingers or a slim dildo first and massaging the vagina a bit from the inside. This will arouse you and make the vagina wider and wetter – especially when you move instead of lying still. We really can't stress this enough! You can read more tips for sexual intercourse in this text.