Sexual problems and solutions / Erection problems: Information and tips:

For many people, their erection works perfectly fine when they masturbate. Problems only occur during sex with others. This does not necessarily mean that the relationship is to blame.

Is there something wrong with my penis?

You probably don't have a medical problem if your erection works fine outside of partnered sex. That means: you get night and morning erections and/or strong erections during solo sex. Nevertheless, it's best to get the physical factors checked by a urologist.

What causes my erection problems?

Erection problems often don't have just one cause. Many factors come together. One cause that is often overlooked is how you actually have sex: that is, in what way. Maybe you're having sex in a way that you don't find pleasurable. Maybe sex is actually more stressful than pleasurable for you. If you want to know more about this, please read our text on techniques of genital arousal. We recommend that text to anyone with erection problems.

Why do I get an erection during solo sex, but not during sex with others?

It's likely that you can get an erection without any effort when you masturbate. There, you don't have to prove anything to anyone. You don't have to deliver anything. So, there’s no pressure, no fear, just you and your pleasure. During solo sex you stimulate yourself just the way you know it, want it and need it. Maybe you grip tightly. Or you rub very quickly. You've probably perfected this technique over the years. But when having sex with others — especially during vaginal or anal intercourse — you might not be able to apply your technique. That is because the vagina or the anus stimulate your penis in a very different and unfamiliar way. Your erection will be less reliable because you need to gain more experience with these other types of stimulation.

Why does my erection only weaken during sexual intercourse?

Maybe your erection works wonderfully during all sexual practices except sexual intercourse. If you want to invest in keeping an erection during intercourse, we highly recommend our text Practice for vaginal intercourse: tips for men and all penis owners.

Why do high expectations mess with my erection?

Many people approach a sexual encounter with a fixed plan in mind and a strong desire to do everything “right”. This of course leads to a lot of anxiety about all the things you could do “wrong”. The more expectations, the more pressure. Simply put, high expectations and performance pressure put the body into stress mode. The body prepares for fight or flight – and an erection gets in the way of fight or flight. So in stress mode, the erection has to go. The body is programmed to do that.

How does anxiety inhibit my erection?

Many people get scared when their erection doesn't work. And that fear inhibits the erection all the more. That's because of an old system in the body: the autonomic nervous system. Anxiety means stress. Stress in the autonomic nervous system means fight or flight. And when you need to fight or flee, your blood shouldn't be used to create a stable and hard erection. That would be really impractical. So the body's reaction makes sense, and yet it's a vicious cycle.

How do I put less pressure on myself?

What's important to realize is that this pressure is self-created. There are no set rules about what is right or wrong for those involved. For many, sex is synonymous with intercourse. But there are a lot of sexual practices besides intercourse that can be highly pleasurable. And for those, it usually doesn't matter whether your penis is hard  or not. Expand your erotic menu. The more that's on there, the more opportunities you have to experience your sexuality in a pleasurable way. Check your expectations, for yourself and with your partners. What expectations do you both have? Where do they actually come from? And what might happen without those expectations? Just try things out and pursue what feels good and right. Take a look at our tips.

What can I do about the anxiety?

Notice what happens when you're afraid. What exactly is going on in your body?

• Do you tense your muscles? Which ones?
• Do you inhale more than you exhale? Is your breathing very irregular?
• Do you scrunch up your face?

If you're able to notice when the anxiety is coming, you can regulate it before it's too late. You can bring yourself back to a feeling of power and potency. Do you know how your body feels when you are feeling powerful and strong? Think of an occasion when that was the case and notice how you breathe (fast or slow, for example), which body parts move when you breathe, where you're tensing and not tensing muscles, or how your face looks. By deliberately imitating these things, you can counteract the fear. We especially recommend our tips on deep breathing.

One more tip to combat anxiety:

Experiment during masturbation. Use the other hand, or both hands. Use some oil. Keep your hand still while moving your penis with your pelvis instead of moving your hand. Or do whatever comes to mind. It's quite possible that the erection will go away when you experiment. Why? Because you're doing something new and your body senses: “Hmm, that's interesting, but not really sexually arousing (yet).” But no worries. Come back to what you know works to get your penis hard again. This way, you'll learn that it's normal for your erection to be more or less hard at times. And you'll experience that you can control it.

What if I don't feel like having sex?

Sometimes, a penis doesn't get hard because its owner doesn't really feel like having sex. What about you? Maybe you have sex because you think you should, or to prove to yourself that your penis works. If you want to learn more about sexual desire, please read our text Sexual desire - and how to influence it.

How do I improve my sexual skills?

Everyone can learn sexual skills at any time. Maybe you are struggling with a specific problem. Then it's especially worthwhile to expand your current sexual routine. You'll find plenty of tips in our chapter on Sex tips, techniques, and exercises for men and all penis owners. You can also describe your problem and ask for help via our question window.

Am I alone with this problem?

Take a look at what other people have asked us about this topic by typing “erection” into our search bar. If you still have questions, write to us using our question window.