Sexuality: facts and tips / What is an orgasm - and how do I get there?:

There are many ways to raise sexual arousal to an orgasm. Your experience is different depending on the area you stimulate and how you use your body during stimulation.

So, not everybody does it the same way?

Absolutely not. In fact, no two people raise their arousal to orgasm the same way. And when you masturbate, you might be doing something entirely different then when you have sex with another person. There are so many nerve endings in our genitalia and in our entire body. And each of us learns to stimulate different areas in different ways. Many of us learn through masturbation. And it's purely accidental what technique or techniques you discover and practice.

What stimulation methods are there?

In our genitalia, different nerve endings are sensitive to different kinds of stimulation. The penis, clitoris and vaginal entrance are very sensitive to rubbing and pressure. The vagina itself is more sensitive to stretching and pressure. Female genitalia are more receptive to vibration, using a vibrator or shower head. And the pelvic floor muscles are full of nervous receptors that get stimulated by tensing or playing with said muscles. What areas have you discovered for yourself?

What ways are there to raise intensity?

Just stroking or rubbing yourself in a relaxed manner might arouse you a bit, but in order to raise arousal to an orgasm, you have to do something to intensify it. A lot of people do this by tensing the muscles in their pelvic floor and surrounding areas. Others intensify by moving their bodies and playing with their pelvic floor muscles – that is, alternately tensing and relaxing them. Take a moment to imagine how you do it: What role does muscular tension play? Does your body move or is it motionless? How do you breathe? Do you inhale and exhale deeply, or is your breathing shallow, or are you holding your breath? Observe yourself the last 30 seconds before an orgasm. This moment will show you best what your technique of arousal is.

How does my technique influence my experience?

There's a huge influence of your arousal technique on the way you experience sex. Let's say you lie on your back and rub your penis or clitoris. Your body lies rather still. You might clench your muscles and arch your back. Your body experiences something entirely different than when you stand or kneel and hold your hand still, while moving your body. The difference lies in how active your body is, and how well circulated what areas of your body are. Different physical experiences translate to different emotional experiences, different thoughts, different phantasies, different preferences and attitudes toward sex.

Why does masturbation work, but intercourse doesn't?

Maybe you found a good technique for masturbation. It works, guaranteed. But let's say you want to have genital intercourse with your partner. And it's a struggle to raise or even maintain arousal. The most likely reason is that you do something entirely different during masturbation than during intercourse. As a woman, you might only stimulate your clitoris, and not your vagina. The nerve endings in your vagina aren't "trained". As a man, you might rub or press your penis quite strongly – and your penis just isn't used to the wetness and less intensive pressure the vagina provides. It's like you've learned a different language for sex with yourself than you want to speak during intercourse.

Can my arousal technique lead to problems?

Apart from the fact that you might have learned something entirely different during masturbation than you need to raise your arousal during sex with a partner, your arousal technique can lead to other problems. Many of us use very high muscular tension to raise arousal. This can lead to problems associated with lack of blood circulation and sensation as well as with difficult emotional experiences. Since this is such an important topic, we've explained it more in-depth in this text. This is why we recommend moving more during sex – you'll read more about this in this text for women and this text for men. And, finally, deep breathing also helps you experience sex more pleasurably.

Can I expand my arousal technique?

Yes, you can. If you practice, that is. Sexual learning means, first and formost, that your sexual abilities and experiences aren't carved in stone. You can expand your technique by exploring new things and gradually making them more interesting by repeating them. To understand this better, please read our texts on sexual learning and practicing. If you want concrete ideas on what to practice, please check out our sextips, techniques and exercises for women and for men.