Sexuality: facts and tips / What is an orgasm - and how do I get there?:

Many people tense their bodies a lot during sex. Because that is very arousing. However, it can also lead to problems during sex - with your body and with your feelings and thoughts.

Sexual arousal needs muscle tension

First things first: sexual arousal requires a certain amount of muscle tension. Sexual arousal increases the tension in the muscles of the buttocks, abdomen, and pelvis. This happens automatically. Tension means more physical activity and blood flow - and sexual arousal needs that. If you simply relax, your sexual arousal falls asleep and you don't reach orgasm.

Muscles in the pelvis are arousable

There is another reason why tension is arousing: muscle tension and pressure stimulate nerve endings in the muscles of the buttocks and pelvis that are sexually arousable. Nerve endings are the ends of nerves that go up to the brain and tell the brain that something is happening at the other end.

Using muscle tension to climax faster

Many people tense the muscles in their buttocks, pelvis, thighs, or even their whole body to get aroused. Some rub their genitals, others squeeze them or press them against something, while others use a vibrator. This allows them to reach a climax quickly. The next time you masturbate, take a closer look at your technique. Maybe you're more focused on your fantasies or porn - and don't realize that your muscles are working a lot harder than you think.

High muscle tension can cause problems

Sex has many odd characteristics. One of them is that the high muscle tension that is so sexually arousing can often lead to sexual problems. Here we describe possible problems caused by sexual "high tension". See if you recognize some of them.

Less pleasure

High muscle tension is incredibly arousing, but it is not very pleasurable. If you tense your body really hard for a minute, you'll see for yourself that it's not really pleasurable. Above all, it's exhausting. Subtle, pleasant sensations will also be suppressed or feel unpleasant by the tension. You may also experience the orgasm as insignificant and wonder if it is an orgasm at all.

More effort and pain

You may even experience something quite unpleasant: the constant tensing of your muscles is exhausting. Many people take very short breaths or hold their breath in between. You may experience sex as an effort. You may enjoy the release and relaxation after orgasm. However, you may also experience pain during or after sex because your muscles are under so much strain. The pain can also be related to the fact that blood circulation is not as good due to the high level of tension.

Pain in the vagina

It is also possible that the muscles in the pelvic area are so tense during sexual arousal that the genitals are less well supplied with blood - the muscle pressure is simply higher than the blood pressure. When the vagina is less well supplied with blood, it becomes less lubricated. This is because lubrication is nothing more than sweating of the vaginal walls with increased blood flow. The vagina also becomes less wide - the pelvic floor muscles squeeze so tightly that it simply cannot dilate as well. The tightness and dryness can cause pain when a penis or dildo is inserted into the vagina.

Coming too early or too late

You may find that it takes you forever to reach orgasm - or you don't come at all. This could be because you feel less because your muscles are so tense: you only notice the intense sensations, not the finer touches and differences. As exciting as muscle tension is, this is where it backfires.

On the other hand, your sexual arousal may increase more quickly if you tense your pelvic floor and butt muscles very tightly. However, as mentioned above, you won't feel the subtleties needed to better control your sexual arousal. This can cause you to come faster than you want. If this is the case for you, this text may be of interest for you.

Erection problems

It can also happen that the erection goes away or the penis doesn't get hard at all. For one thing, you feel less - so the penis may be less of a source of arousal (you need your imagination or porn more). Second, the pressure of the muscles around the penis may be so high that not enough blood can flow into the penis to make it hard.

This means that a good erection requires a certain amount of relaxation. If you are not so young and your veins are not so elastic, these blood flow problems are more likely to occur with high tension. But this can also happen to you as a young man. Please read our chapter on erection problems.

Low desire for penetration

If you have a penis and you are using a lot of tension to arouse yourself, and you may be pressing something against your penis, your penis has less "space" in your sexual experience. Perhaps you are pressing the penis so hard against the floor or a solid object that it doesn't get hard at all. With this arousal technique, you don't develop fantasies of penetrating anything with your penis. The feeling may also "move" to the back, to the anus, and you will develop a greater desire to be penetrated. This can become a problem if you are with someone who wants you to penetrate them. And then you may find that you can't do it because you're not aroused enough.

Low desire to take in

If you have a vagina, it can actually take something in. The vagina is actually like a cave that can take things in and pull them up with the pelvic floor muscles. But if you keep tightening those muscles, it doesn't feel like a cave, it feels more like a lump or a pole. This can be a problem when you are with someone who wants to penetrate your vagina with a penis or dildo. You just don't want to do it. You may be much more interested in strapping on a dildo and penetrating. Some even develop the image of having a penis themselves.

Stress in the relationship

It can also cause stress in a relationship if your partner likes sensual, moving sex, and you only find strong, powerful stimulation sexually arousing - perhaps even in a very specific position that involves as much pressure and muscle tension as possible. You may also find gentle touch uncomfortably ticklish and irritating when your muscles are so tense. This may hurt your partner. It is important for both of you to understand that this is not a sign of lack of love, but of high muscle tension.

Unpleasant thoughts during sex and about sex

When you tense your muscles and take short breaths during sex, your body is in a state of stress and your system senses danger. This is because the body's normal response to danger is tension and shortness of breath. Now your whole system is getting ready to fight or flee. You may have heard of the fight-or-flight response. You can Google it. This state is associated with unpleasant feelings such as anger, fear, disgust, or shame. Your mind becomes alert, sensing danger and enemies everywhere, and wants to get to safety. Your thoughts become more critical and judgmental - you have to judge what is good and what is bad. You may have these critical thoughts about your partner as well as about yourself. You may associate sex with something bad. You might think that you shouldn't arouse yourself sexually. Or you feel bad about yourself when you do.

You can read more about this fight-or-flight state in our text on the autonomic nervous system. We highly recommend this text as it will help you understand many of the thoughts and feelings you have during and around sex.

Hard fantasies

When you have sex in such a "fight or flight" state, you are more likely to have sexual fantasies with violent content. You may find this disturbing because it's not at all what you want in real life. This is also important to understand: High muscle tension does not create romantic, dynamic images during sex; high muscle tension is much more likely to translate into images of being tied up, dominance and submission, for example. When you understand that these fantasies are simply a reflection of your arousal technique and have very little to do with your other personality, you can enjoy them much more.

Missing feelings of love during sex

In such a "fight-or-flight" state, you see your partner as an enemy rather than as a friend. And so it's understandable that some people who associate sexual arousal with high muscle tension find it difficult to feel tender love for their partner during sex. Feelings of love simply require a greater degree of relaxation. Here as well: It's not about a lack of love! But with such high muscle tension, other feelings are simply called for! The BDSM scene has found a great solution: Role-playing. As a couple, you can take on roles during sex that allow you to live out your "harder" sexual needs and be happy lovers before and after.

Digestive problems after sex

One more thing: You may experience abdominal pain and bloating after sex. Digestion doesn't work so well when you're under a lot of tension. When the body is getting ready to fight or flee, digestion is not a priority. On the other hand, the tense abdominal muscles press on the digestive organs. They are then unable to move as they should for good digestion.

The solution to problems is "Movement"

If you arouse yourself with high muscle tension and have no problem with it, then we recommend: keep it up! As we said, high tension is very, very arousing. However, if you have read something here that is a problem for you, you may be interested in learning less tense arousal techniques. Complete relaxation during sex is not possible, because then sexual arousal falls asleep. So what can you do? The solution is to move during sex.

Movement is both tension and relaxation

Alternately bend and straighten your arm. Notice which muscles are working when. The biceps (flexor) works when you bend, and the triceps (extensor) works when you stretch. In each case, the opposing muscles relax. In other words, movement is nothing more than alternating tensing and relaxing. And when you do this during sex, you can arouse yourself and at the same time provide enough blood flow and relaxation for you to feel more and experience the whole thing more pleasurably. You can learn more about moving during sex in this text for women and anyone with a vulva and vagina, in this text for men and anyone with a penis, and in this text about moving the upper body.