Sexual problems and solutions / Erection problems: Information and tips:

Sometimes, the penis just doesn’t get hard (enough). If you look closely, there is almost always a good reason for it. So don't worry about your penis not working properly. The next time you have sex, things could be completely different.

When do erections happen?

In a healthy body, erections happen when something triggers your sexual arousal. Sometimes, a small stimulus is enough, even without any sexual fantasy. This can happen, for example, during a medical examination, or when you run to the swimming pool (then just jump in quickly ) .

Normally, sexual arousal through touch or other perceptions (images, sounds, smells) almost certainly leads to an erection. In order for this erection to stay, it helps when “pleasure” is added to the mix. Pleasure means that you experience the whole situation and the state of your body as pleasant and positive.

Why won’t my penis get or stay hard sometimes?

“Join the club of normal men”. Just about every man and penis owner has experienced this situation: the penis doesn't get hard or doesn't stay hard. It happens. If it’s your first time noticing that your penis won’t get hard, even though you want it to, don’t fret: everything is fine with you. An erection doesn’t come when it has to, but when it wants to.

If the situation or the mood is not pleasurable, it can be difficult to get an erection. For example, lying on a thin blanket on a cold, hard floor at night in the open air can make it difficult to feel “hot”. Or imagine you have so many expectations about what absolutely has to happen right now. Then every little disturbance can derail the entire plan. And then your erection can easily get off track as well.

These are typical situations in which the penis might not get hard:

• You have sex with a new partner and are very insecure.
• You're stressed out about something in the relationship.
• You don't find your partner hot at this particular moment.
• You're simply not in the mood for sex.
• You drank too much alcohol.
• You really want your penis to get hard.
• You feel stress or pressure to perform.
• You are using a condom for the first time – your penis isn't used to this sensation.
• You tense your body very tightly

If you look closely, you will almost always find a “good” reason why the penis is not getting hard (enough) in a specific situation. To put it simply: if an erection is not happening or staying, something is not arousing. It may well be that your penis – more precisely, the body’s experience – assesses a situation differently than you do. But this is good news, because it means that you can change the situation and your body’s experience to solve the problem.

At what point does it become an erectile dysfunction?

Erectile difficulties are far more common than erectile dysfunctions. In terms of sexual medicine, specialists only speak of erectile dysfunction (ED for short) when certain criteria are met. If you have recurring erection problems, please read this text.

Why is stress bad for my erection?

Let's say things get stressful during sex for some reason. For example, you get anxious or uncomfortable or feel a pressure to perform. Then your body – simply put – goes into stress mode. Your body feels like it's facing a saber-toothed tiger, preparing to fight or flee. When fighting as well as fleeing, an erection is quite impractical, so your body shuts it down. Such stress can sometimes be triggered by tiny things, such as a full bladder. The catch is the so-called anxiety spiral: thoughts like “Last time it was difficult! Hopefully it will work this time!” lead to exactly the kind of stress you don’t want. More specifically, it's all about the sensory memory. So, the thought alone puts you in stress mode.

How do I relax and calm down during sex?

• Become aware of the problem. What made you get so stressed-out?
• Take yourself seriously. You're not a loser if this happens, but a human being.
• Confront expectations you have about how you – and your penis – should perform. Why do you have these expectations?
• Don't expect good sex to fall from the sky. Give yourself time to practice with your partner.
• Practice deep-breathing to calm yourself down during sex.
• Practice upper body movement during sex to calm yourself down during sex.
• Practice pelvic movement during sex for more sensation and better circulation.
• If the problem arises during intercourse, practice like we suggest in this text.

Reading these tips, you see that the first four are about looking at yourself more closely and confronting ideas and beliefs that are, simply put, anti-erection. The other four are practice tips that help you to build a better foundation for pleasurable arousal during sex – which is what your erection needs. When we say "practice", we mean "practice alone". You need your safe space, with nothing you have to accomplish, with nobody observing you, to practice. Please read this text on why practicing is so important for good sex.

Is it normal for erections to change as I get older?

Speaking of expectations – you might expect to function like you did when you were 18. But, as men change, the body changes – and the body sets the rules. As far as sexuality is concerned, the ability to have erections and intercourse lasts into old age. Everything just takes a little longer. And the penis is not always equally hard. Think of it like this: When you're young, you're a sprinter in terms of sexual arousal; when you’re older, you're a long-distance runner — you take several laps around the track, sometimes going faster, sometimes slower. So, your erection will sometimes be harder and sometimes less hard during sex. The important thing to know is that the capacity to feel pleasure can actually increase with age. It also helps that you've gained more experience by the time you're older. That’s an advantage that older people have. As you get older, it's normal that:

• you need more stimulation and may take longer to reach orgasm
• the hardness of your erections decreases a bit
• the hardness tends to fluctuate
• your penis becomes flaccid more quickly after orgasm
• the ejaculation is less strong
• it takes longer before another erection is possible after orgasm. This can sometimes take days instead of hours. Specialists say: The refractory period increases.

How do I deal with these changes as I age?

The only thing that helps: learning to accept them and finding pleasurable ways of dealing with them. All these changes are normal. But for some men, they trigger insecurities. And that can set off a vicious circle of negative expectations, fear of failure and loss of erection.

It is not normal if you don’t have spontaneous erections and morning wood over a long period of time and if your penis is neither hard during masturbation nor during sex with others. In that case you should make a doctor’s appointment. That’s because erectile dysfunction can be a sign of serious cardiovascular disease.

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