Me and the others / How can I get along better with myself and others?:

I have problems dealing with my feelings - what can I do?

Anger, fear, sadness, shame, disgust: everyone knows unpleasant feelings. You may fight them off, suppress them, cover them up or split them off. We explain why this doesn't get you anywhere and how you can better accept your feelings.

Why should I allow uncomfortable feelings?

Feelings are human. They are important signposts. They tell us how we feel and what we want and need. Fear, anger, shame, disgust, sadness, loneliness, despair: such unpleasant emotional states tell us that something is wrong and that we should do something to improve our situation. If you don't allow these feelings and devalue them, you don't take yourself seriously, you don't take good care of yourself, and you don't learn to deal with them. Instead, you are exposed to them when they come up again and again. You also don't learn to deal with other people and their feelings very well.

Therefore, it is very important that you allow your feelings and take them seriously. This will help you learn how to deal with them. You'll get on better with yourself and also with other people. You'll be able to feel better what emotional states they are in. This will help you deal with them. This is also known as "emotional intelligence" - the ability to read, understand and deal with feelings. It also increases what is called social competence: the ability to behave with a wide variety of people in a way that makes you and the others feel as comfortable as possible.

Aren't the feelings to blame?

No matter what you feel - if you get into trouble, it's because of your behavior: If you always lash out in anger, the problem isn't that you're angry, it's that you lash out. If you never go out with people because you feel ashamed, the problem isn't that you're ashamed, it's that you stay at home. If you don't approach a person out of fear, the problem isn't that you are afraid, but that you don't approach the person.

Babies are exposed to their feelings. But from the age of 4-5 our brain develops the ability to act independently of feelings. We can do things even if we don't feel like it. It is important that we practice managing our feelings.

When is anger good, when is it not?

Many people don't take their anger or aggression seriously or don't want to show it because it scares them or they are afraid of being rejected. But there is a good side to aggression: it is a force that helps you do and say things with courage. It helps you stick with difficult tasks and persevere. It helps you work hard. It helps you stand up for what is important to you. It also helps you to stand up for yourself and tell others what you want and what you don't want.

If you only feel anger, it may be because you are not allowing other feelings. You may find it difficult to feel and show emotional states that make you feel weak - for example fear, sadness, shame, insecurity and self-doubt. These feelings may make you feel powerless.

Anger, on the other hand, is an emotion that makes you feel stronger. You cover up the weak feelings with anger. Or they literally turn into anger. Instead of mourning, you become angry. Instead of feeling ashamed, you get angry. Instead of feeling fear, you get angry. You may then get angry at others and lash out at them. This makes you feel stronger than when you felt powerless before. But logically, in the long run, you're only creating problems for yourself.

When is fear good, when is it not?

Fear is terribly unpleasant. It tells us that we are in danger. It helps us to get to safety. It is therefore very important for our survival.

Fear gets in our way when it is too big or when it arrises when it is not really necessary. Because it is so unpleasant, people often avoid it. They then avoid situations that scare them. This prevents them from learning to overcome and deal with their fear. It is therefore important that you don't avoid it. It's better if you learn to calm yourself down enough so that the fear doesn't become overwhelming. Read our text on self-soothing and the tips on how to use your body to influence your feelings.

Why is shame important?

Shame is the most unpleasant feeling for many people. It really gets to you and makes you want to sink into the ground. Shame wants to help us protect our personal boundaries and prevent us from behaving in ways that could get us into trouble. With shame, it's also important to understand that it's not a matter of life and death, but simply a very uncomfortable feeling. Again, self-soothing and our tips on how to use your body to influence feelings can help.

Why do I find it difficult to deal with feelings?

If you find it difficult to admit or show feelings, it is because of your "emotional learning history". You may have had bad experiences as a child when you had or showed any feelings. Instead of being comforted when you felt bad, you may have been put down. Or your emotional state was taken advantage of. Or you were deliberately made to feel bad.

In such an environment, you had to learn to deal with your feelings on your own. You probably found methods that made things better in the short term. However, these may now be getting in your way. We write here about such methods of making feelings go away: Repressing, deflecting, splitting off, blunting, overplaying and transforming. We explain why they are harmful in the long run.

Why is repression so harmful?

Repressing feelings is a way of feeling them less. How do you repress feelings? You might distract yourself by doing something that takes your mind off things - for example, clicking through all sorts of things on your smartphone for hours on end. That's not harmful in and of itself. But you may be avoiding important things that you should be doing.

You might also be making sure that you always have something on your mind. It's possible that you're quite stressed as a result. But that's how you avoid rest. Rest can be scary, because something might come up. Maybe that's why you make sure you're never alone with yourself.

Here are some other really harmful methods of repression: You get drunk to loosen up or get high. You take drugs to make the feelings go away. You eat too much to comfort yourself. You eat too little to numb yourself. All of these may help in the short term, but not in the long term. On the contrary, you can become addicted to this method of repression and need more and more of it. Because feelings cannot simply be repressed. They make themselves known, and usually more and more strongly.

Why is defense a vicious cycle?

When you defend against unpleasant feelings, you can end up in a very tense situation. This is because defense always goes hand in hand with tension. When a feeling comes up, you might say to yourself: "Pull yourself together". Think about what that means. You literally tense up. Physically. This tension can then get bigger and bigger.

Unfortunately, such physical tension tends to trigger unpleasant feelings because your system now believes it is in danger. This means that if anger or fear were there before, they become stronger now. You fight them even harder and become even more tense. It's a real vicious cycle.

The tension can become so great that you find it difficult to bear. Maybe the only way you can get rid of it is to vomit, scratch yourself, or hurt yourself in some other way. Maybe you relieve it with hours of gambling, alcohol or drugs, hours of exercise, or excessive masturbation. Or maybe you explode and lash out at others.

What if I don't feel a feeling?

It may be that you don't have to suppress or ward off a feeling because you simply don't feel it. You do not have access to it. This can happen if you have experienced extreme, bad things over and over again. These are usually things that happened in your childhood. For example, you were always very scared and no one comforted you. Or you were punished very badly when you showed your anger.

You may then have learned to "split off" your anger or fear. This means that there is a hidden part of you that holds all these bad feelings, that unites this whole emotional state. This is also known as dissociation. You do not have access to that part. However, it can come back to you at some point, years or decades later, and the bad feelings overwhelm you. This is called a flashback.

Why am I so numb?

Maybe certain things just leave you cold. For example, maybe someone is beating you up in the worst possible way. Others say that you shouldn't let that happen to you. But you find it "normal" in some strange way. Then take a look at your past. If you repeatedly experienced overt or covert violence as a child, it became "normal". Mom threatened to commit suicide? That was normal. Dad beat you up? Sure, every Friday. That was routine. Your parents shouted at each other every evening? Yes, that was just part of it.

Anyone who experiences something like that for the first time experiences really bad feelings - fear, anger, despair - even disgust. Because it's all actually disgusting. But the disgust reaction wore off eventually. You had to survive in this parental home. You had to somehow normalize what you were experiencing.

What if I'm completely numb?

Sometimes nothing works at all. You feel empty and indifferent inside. It can be like that for a moment and then, a few minutes or hours later, it's better again. Most people are probably familiar with this. It could be that it was just "too much" and your system is protecting you from your feelings.

It's different when this state lasts for a long time. This is the case with depression, for example. You can assume that there is something in the void. But for some reason, it can't be there now. Psychotherapeutic support is very useful here.

How do I get to know my feelings?

You may notice that there are one or two feelings that you are not so familiar with. You can assume that you also have this feeling somewhere inside you - you are human after all. Think about how you manage to avoid this feeling. How do you avoid it? How do you distract yourself? How do you cover it up? How do you fight it off?

What is the body telling me?

Feelings always manifest in the body in some way. You may not be aware of a feeling, but you are aware of a physical state. For example, you may not be able to tell if you are afraid. But you always get a stomach ache before an exam. Your stomach contracts and your autonomic nervous system responds to the danger with nausea.

Think about what unpleasant physical conditions you know that are not associated with disease. Many aches and pains, for example, are associated with constant tension. And that tension can be associated with you pulling yoursef together or withdrawing.

How do I influence my feelings through my behavior?

Changing your behavior also changes how you experience a feeling. Your shame and anxiety will decrease if you work through the situations that trigger them instead of avoiding them. And your anger will cause you fewer problems if you act it out in a place where no one gets hurt. So you can also influence your feelings through your behavior. There are also some useful tricks you can do with your body to help you get a better grip on your feelings.

Ask yourself what unpleasant feelings you know you have: Anger? Anger? Anxiety? Sadness? Shame? Insecurity? Self-doubt? Think about it: When was the last time you felt them? What did you do when they arose in you? Do you think you found good ways to deal with them? Or did you get into trouble? Or did you do something you didn't want to do? Or did you not do something you wanted to do? And then ask yourself how you could have behaved in a way that you would have made you feel better afterwards. What could you have done differently? What would have been different afterwards?

Take a situation and imagine the different behavior, preferably before you go to sleep in bed. This will help you to remember the good feeling and it will be easier for you to try out the new behavior in reality.

How do I learn to deal with my feelings?

We have written various texts with tips on this. Read about...

If you can't deal with your feelings even with all these tips, then it probably has a longer history. It makes a lot of sense to investigate this. We recommend this text.

You can also write us all your questions and thoughts about your feelings anonymously in the Question Window.