Me and the others / How can I get along better with myself and others?:

If you are upset or overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, there are things you can do to calm and comfort yourself. This will help you cope better with yourself and your circumstances.

Why should I calm myself down?

The answer is actually quite clear: you should calm down so that you feel calmer and better again. If you can do this, you can handle unpleasant feelings like fear or anger better. You won't be so dependent on other people to calm you down.

Imagine having a fight with the person who usually calms you down the most. This happens all the time in romantic relationships. The other person is not there for you when you have a fight. So it's good if you can calm yourself down. It makes you more independent. Please read this text about autonomy in a romantic relationship.

What's more, when you calm yourself down, you take yourself seriously. You recognize how you are feeling right now and what you need: "Everything is too much for me right now. I'm about to lose it. I need a break. I really need some exercise". When you practice self-soothing, you do something to ensure that you have a good relationship with yourself.

How can I calm myself down?

You probably already do a lot of things automatically to calm yourself down. There are lots of options: Listening to music or podcasts, going for a run or exercising, meeting friends or talking on the phone, pursuing a hobby that you really enjoy, doing yoga or meditation. Intimate closeness and sex with another person or masturbation can also be calming.

What usually always helps is exercise, relaxation, good breathing, socializing, and pleasant touch.

What if I explode?

Sometimes you may really lose it, explode, and be out of your mind. You say and do things that you regret afterwards. Your whole system goes 180 degrees. In such a state, you don't perceive yourself very well, and therefore you can't control yourself very well. Our tip for this: Practice sensing when the cauldron starts to boil as early as possible. Signs of this include heart palpitations, tension and irritability.

As soon as you feel this, distance yourself from the situation - literally. Imagine you are sitting at a table with someone. The person says something that upsets you. You can feel something bubbling up inside of you. Then it would make sense to say: "I just have to go to the bathroom". Or, "This is getting too much for me right now, I need to walk around the house". You'll find that just getting up and going outside can help you. It gives you a little break.

Why are time-outs so important?

When we are stressed and excited, we are tense. Our breathing is shallow, our pulse is racing. Our autonomic nervous system is now set to danger. This is also known as the "fight or flight response". This is an ancient human survival strategy. Now we actually want to lash out or run away. We no longer think things through, but see enemies everywhere. We no longer have open ears when someone else wants to speak to us in a friendly way. We experience unpleasant feelings such as anger or fear, which tell us that we need to change something quickly.

Imagine having such a reaction during an argument. Or when you're sitting in front of your laptop reading an overwhelming email. Your autonomic nervous system prepares you to beat up the other person or the computer, or to run away. Neither is reasonable. A time-out will help you to calm down again.

We recommend that you read this text about the autonomic nervous system and the fight-or-flight response. It explains why you are in certain states and how you can get yourself out of them.

How do I wind down quickly?

Taking a time-out means taking a break and removing yourself from the situation. It can help to you change your body position and stand up. Maybe you go and make yourself a cup of tea or do a few squats. Or walk up and down the stairs in your house, or take a brisk walk around the block.

Movement helps you to release some of your fight-or-flight energy. Movement also loosens you up. Relaxation releases tension and works wonders against the fight-or-flight response.

Deep breathing is also extremely important - especially exhaling. Sometimes you may need to take a longer break. This can easily be two hours. We have written a text with tips for taking time-out in romantic relationships. Please read it.

What if I am overcome by bad feelings?

Unpleasant feelings are human. They tell us that something is wrong. Suppose you are overcome with fear. Or huge shame. Or great dejection. Despair. If you resist them, you become even more stressed. This makes the bad feelings even stronger.

Actually, the feelings are not the problem, because they occur because they have to. The problem is your attitude toward them. The problem is that you are fighting them off. Many people do this. Please read this text.

It's much better if you take the feelings seriously and look at the reasons for them. To do that, you first have to get yourself into a state where your mind is clear enough to see what's going on. In other words, you have to calm yourself first. Or better yet, comfort yourself.

How do I comfort myself?

What does comforting mean? Comforting yourself means: holding yourself in your arms, taking the feeling seriously, discussing its causes with yourself and realizing that it will pass. You can learn to comfort yourself. It's a matter of practice.

Imagine that you are afraid. Think of something that scares you. Where in your body does the feeling of fear come from? Where do you feel it most? Imagine holding that part of your body in your arms. Don't fight the feeling, but allow it to be there. Try to breathe there. Tell yourself that the feeling probably has a good reason. What is it trying to tell you? Then tell yourself: "This is just a feeling. I am not the feeling. It is not absolute and always there. Instead, it comes, wants to tell me something, and then goes away again".

You may notice that this attention to yourself already begins to calm you down a little and makes you feel better. You learn to tolerate the feeling better instead of avoiding it. It also helps if you have a stable, relaxed posture. Please read this text on how you can influence your mood through your body.

What if a bad feeling remains?

Unpleasant feelings tell us when we need to make a change. They tell us things like: "I'm not doing well in this relationship," or "My life is too boring," or "I'm overwhelming myself," or "I'm not being taken seriously," or "Someone is mistreating me". These are all situations that you need to change. This is sometimes very difficult and very stressful, and you may need professional support. But you should do something: take the feelings seriously.

There are also difficult situations that we can't change: Your girlfriend may have left you. Maybe a family member is seriously ill. Maybe you've lost your dream job. Or something bad has happened. You can't undo it. There's no point in resisting. It's about enduring and accepting what's going on inside you right now.

How can I accept my emotional state?

Psychotherapist Marsha Linehan talks about "radical acceptance". She says you don't have to like what is. But you do have to accept it. Because only by accepting what is can you work to move forward. Stubbornness keeps you from doing that.

Marsha Linehan knows this very well herself: she developed her successful therapy method (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, DBT) after spending several years in a psychiatric clinic with the worst emotional conditions. She works a lot with mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness means being aware of what is happening without judging it. This is enormously helpful if you have problems with emotional states and with yourself.

The physician Jon Kabat-Zinn has also developed a very successful program called MBSR (mindfulness-based stress reduction). If you google the terms mindfulness meditation or MBSR, you will find lots of information and links to instructions. You can also find apps. It's worth giving it a try!