Me and the others / How can I get along better with myself and others?:

How do I get my nervous system under control?

Here you can find out how you can influence your autonomic nervous system and get a better grip on it - to calm yourself down, be better in relationships and even to enjoy sex more. You can also read about how other people can affect your nervous system - and vice versa.

Why is the autonomic nervous system (ANS) important?

If you haven't already, please read this text about the autonomic nervous system so that you know what we're talking about here. It's worth knowing a little about your autonomic nervous system because itcan get out of balance quickly: The sympathetic nervous system can quickly go into overdrive and put you in a state of stress, anger, or anxiety. And it can also happen quickly that you end up in a state of helplessness, emptiness, depression or listlessness, which is accompanied by a strong activation of the dorsal vagus.

It's good to know how you can bring it back into balance. The most important question here is: How do you get a good dose of ventral vagus in as often as possible?

What role does the body play?

The body plays a very important role. There are studies that show that people in different physical states experience themselves and the world very differently. The nervous system reads what it is experiencing in the body and concludes whether you are safe or in danger. Here are some examples:

If you tense your muscles and breathe quickly, this triggers the sympathetic nervous system, making you more likely to react with fear, anger, alertness, and more tension.
If you go limp or crouch down and hang your head, this triggers the dorsal vagus and you enter a state of emptiness or depression, listlessness and passivity.
If you move your upper body and head, breathe deeply and smile, this triggers the ventral vagus and you become more relaxed, cheerful and confident.

Practice is better than theory. It is very exciting to observe this more closely. The text How do I influence my mood through my body might also be interesting for you.

How do I calm myself down?

When your sympathetic nervous system goes into overdrive, there are many ways to deal with it. It's certainly a good idea to move around and let off steam. There is also a breathing technique that calms you down very quickly: breathe out for a very long time. Until nothing comes out anymore. When you are really completely empty, let the air flow back in. Do this a few times in a row.

You can find more tips on self-calming in this text.

How do I bring myself back to life?

When your dorsal vagus is overflowing and you are in a hole of "nothing works", movement also helps.

Let's say you're sitting there and nothing works. Then it helps if you alternately stretch and curl your fingers or toes. Once you have done this for a while, you can move your lower leg or forearm up and down. Finally, rotate both arms above you. And then stand up. Walk around. Stomp your feet around. Stick out your tongue and say "Beh". Stretch, stretch, jump... You will probably notice that you feel more active and no longer so helpless.

Activating your breathing can also help you get out of the hole. We recommend these tips for this.

How do I activate the ventral vagus?

To get on better with ourselves and others, we need a good dose of the ventral (social) vagus in addition to everything else. This is activated, for example, by moving your upper body or by moving your head or neck. Smiling also helps. Other things you can do: hum, sing, massage yourself, laugh, gargle, play, take a hot bath, take a cold shower or dip your face in cold water, exercise, dance, go out into nature, do Far Eastern practices such as Qi Gong, Tai Chi, yoga and meditation, consciously move your eyes. All of this activates the social vagus.

Deep abdominal breathing is also very important. Here's a little exercise: Take something that smells very nice. Hold it up to your nose. And then breathe in the scent. Really deeply. And then breathe out again. This pleasurable "mmmmm" inhalation activates the ventral vagus. You may also be able to simply imagine that you are breathing in the scent of fresh strawberries right now, or your favourite cake, or the sea or something else that you really like.

How do I regulate my nervous system during sex?

To increase arousal during sex, the sympathetic nervous system needs to be active. If you want to experience pleasure and love at the same time, you also need a good dose of the ventral vagus. It helps if you increase sexual arousal with lots of movement and an interplay of tension and relaxation. You can find lots of tips on this website. The most important one is this text about moving your upper body during sex.

It may be that you take the "passive" role during sex, lying on your back. Your partner is more likely to be active in a sympathetic way. You may experience unpleasant feelings of powerlessness and victimisation - even though your partner isn't really trying to hurt you. This is when your dorsal vagus is very active. Again, it's helpful to take on a moving role during sex so that you don't fall into this "hole" - or so that you can get out again.

What if other people stress me out?

You and your autonomic nervous system react very quickly to what is going on with another person and their nervous system.

If a person sitting opposite you is very anxious or very angry (high sympathetic activation), your sympathetic nervous system automatically becomes more active. You may become anxious or angry yourself, or you may try to calm the person down. This is actually a strategy to calm down your own nervous system.
If a person is sitting opposite you and is completely limp and listless or depressed (strong activation of the dorsal vagus), this may bring you down yourself. Or you become irritable, angry or fidgety - now your sympathetic nervous system automatically prevents you from falling into a hole.

If you feel that you are getting into an uncomfortable emotional state,or that you are no longer entirely favourable towards the other person, all the suggestions for calming yourself down or for influencing your mood with your body will help you not to let yourself be dragged down so far.

How can another person support me?

When a person sits opposite you in an open, attentive and compassionate way (strong ventral vagus activation), you yourself may come out of a state of tension (strong sympathetic activation) or depression (strong dorsal vagus activation) because your nervous system senses the other person's charisma and calms down (more ventral vagus activation).

This means that when another person comforts or calms you, their nervous system calms your nervous system, so to speak. It feels safe again. This is called co-regulation. It is very important for children to experience this. It teaches them that unpleasant situations can pass and that safety returns after a perceived or real danger.

Maybe you didn't get enough of this. Perhaps people have not comforted and reassured you enough. Your nervous system may feel in constant danger. You tend to be wary and suspicious, and it may be difficult for you to see that people mean well. This makes it all the more important that you learn to reassure and comfort yourself.

How can I support another person?

What others can do to you, you can also do to others: comfort and reassure them and help them to get out of an unpleasant situation. To do this, you need a good dose of inner calm and strength, which goes hand in hand with activation of the ventral vagus. This helps you to stay calm, or to become calm, even when the other person is going crazy.

To do this, it is important that you practice regulating your autonomic nervous system yourself. This self-regulation in relationships is one of the most difficult things to do because other people who are close to us can quickly throw us and our nervous system off balance. We can try and practice it again and again - and always be happy when we succeed.

Where can I find more tips?

We recommend the following tips on Lilli:

We also recommend the book "Polyvagal Practices: Anchoring the self in safety" by Deb Dana. It is full of practical tips on how to better understand and regulate your autonomic nervous system better and how to get more activation from the ventral vagus.

Under "Vagus Nerve Exercises" you will find many more videos on YouTube as well as podcasts and blog posts.