Sexual problems and solutions / How can I (f) learn to have an orgasm?:

Reaching an orgasm takes practice. It's best to take an approach of "the road is the goal". And, we highly recommend that you move your body more than you're used to.

How do I reach an orgasm?

If you're looking for the right touch on the right spot that will make an orgasm happen, you're looking in vain. And if anybody tells you it has to be the head of your clitoris or the G-spot, they're wrong: Your entire genitalia and many other areas of your body are sexually arousable. There are many ways you can arouse yourself physically: friction, pressure, vibration, movement, muscular tension... In addition, you can add sexual fantasies, images, scents, words, and more. Please check out our text on sexual arousal.

How do I practice?

Please read our text about difficulties reaching an orgasm before you look at these tips. This will help you understand what your focus of practice might be.

• We recommend that you practice on your own. When you're alone, you can concentrate on yourself. You're alone, and no one sees and hears you. If your walls are thin, play some music.
• Practicing means repetition. It is not enough if you try out what we are describing here. This would be like sitting at a piano and trying to play once. That's not how you learn to play the piano. And that is not how you learn sexually. Please read our text on sexual learning to understand why regular practice is so important. You'll find other tips and tricks to make your practice project work in this text on practice.
• We recommend that you practice for at least half an hour, 3 times per week. This way you'll notice things changing in a matter of a few weeks. It's a good idea to compare this to learning a language: You can't possibly speak it fluently after only a couple of weeks of practicing. Even if you don't manage to achieve an orgasm yet, you’ll probably start to feel more and more arousal, more and more pleasure. This means you're on the right path.

Why shouldn't I focus on trying to reach an orgasm?

Maybe you've tried over and over again to reach an orgasm, and it just never worked. You're increasingly frustrated. You want this orgasm, you have to have this orgasm, you become obsessed with having one. Your orgasm has become and orgasMUST, so to speak. The problem with this approach is that it doesn't cater to experiencing sex as something pleasurable. On the contrary, it's quite a stressful ordeal to go through in order to reach a goal. Pleasure, however, is a very important ingredient if you want to reach a really good orgasm. Simply put: sexual arousal + pleasure => orgasm.

What should I focus on instead?

Do you know the saying: "the road is the goal"? It also applies to orgasms: If you're constantly focusing on the destination, constantly thinking, "When am I going to come?", you'll focus more on what isn't than on what is. You'll put yourself under a lot of pressure. Pressure isn't pleasurable! In contrast, if you focus on what you perceive and feel and experience during sexual arousal, you might experience small moments and sensations of pleasure and excitement as nice feelings. These are all important ingredients to arousing yourself to an orgasm. Plus, your stress level goes down.

Why is movement so good?

One thing we recommend to all women who want to learn to have really good orgasms is: Get into the habit of moving your body during sex. Simply put, movement enables the pleasurable experience of sexual arousal. In order to understand this better, please read this text on moving during sex. If you want to learn to arouse yourself to an orgasm during vaginal intercourse, we highly recommend the pelvic swing. Moving your pelvis will also make you experience external stimulation of your vulva and clitoris more profoundly, since movement supports blood circulation in your genitalia. We very much recommend our exercises for the pelvic swing. Playing with the pelvic floor muscles also promotes sexual arousal and blood flow. And, finally, deep breathing is another way of getting movement going – inside your body.

How can I experience an orgasm more intensely?

You'll experience an orgasm more intensely if you feel it throughout your entire body. This is where movement, again, comes in handy: It's much easier to perceive your body, or a part of your body, when you move it. Try this out with your left arm. What do you feel, right now, this minute? And now move it. When do you feel more? Probably when you move it. Our brain perceives bodily movements much better than static body states. So it's a good idea to get into the habit of swinging your pelvis, circling it, moving it in a figure eight etc. Let these movements spread throughout your body. Imagine you're an oriental dancer, a tree in the wind, or a plant in the water... If you practice  moving your body all the way to orgasm, your body will move more, quite automatically, during the orgasm itself. This way the orgasms becomes more of a full-body experience than when you hold your body still.

Why does it help to use my mouth and voice?

What do you perceive if you focus on what your mouth does during sex? Are your jaws clenched? Or loose? Is your mouth closed? Or, is it open? When your mouth is open, your jaw muscles are more relaxed. This translates to your neck muscles and the muscles of your upper body. This will make for a more pleasurable experience. Also, the jaw muscles are connected to the pelvic floor muscles, so opening your mouth also helps loosen your pelvic floor muscles. When you exhale, practice making a sound, for instance an "aaah." or an "ooooh". When you use your voice, your vocal chords vibrate. Vibration is stimulation. Inside your body. Vibration is also movement, helping your body to loosen up. Finally, using your voice supports deep breathing.

How do I make the last stretch to orgasm?

Initially, during sexual arousal, a more relaxed approach will help you perceive more and feel more pleasurable sensations and emotions. This feeds into your sexual arousal, slowly driving it up. In order to get all the way up to the point of no return, you'll have to put it in another gear. You will need more stimulation, faster movements, deeper thrusts, more pressure, more tension. Many people reach orgasm simply by straining their muscles very hard. This approach has certain disadvantages – you can read about these in this text on high muscular tension during sex. In order to have an even more pleasurable experience, we recommend alternating between tensing and relaxing your muscles. You can achieve this by actively playing with the muscles of your pelvic floor. You can also combine swinging your pelvis and/or breathing with expanding and contracting your pelvic floor muscles. We show you how to do this in our exercises for the pelvic swing, our pelvic floor training tips and our tips on deep breathing.

Can I use fantasies, pictures, toys?

Of course. Whatever gets you off, use it. We highly recommend using sexual fantasies, no matter what these fantasies are about. Sexual fantasies are a stimulant. They might appear weird, or extreme. They're a bit like dreams. Anything goes. Their sole purpose is to get your arousal up. The same goes for porn: Anything goes, as long as it's legal. We recommend you don't rely too heavily on porn for two reasons: a) focusing on pictures will prevent you from really focusing on your body and perceiving what goes on in your body. b) If you want to practice for orgasms during sex with a partner, where you might not want to use porn, it's good to learn to arouse yourself without porn. You might use porn as an inspiration for your fantasies, however. As for toys, it's the same: Use whatever you like. If you want to use a dildo, a vibrator, a womanizer, that's fine. We don't recommend vibrators and womanizers for regular use, however, if you're practicing for sex with a partner. Their hands, tongue or penis don't offer the same kind of stimulation those toys do. So, we recommend that you don’t train yourself to rely too heavily on them.

How can I practice to let go?

During orgasm, you discharge physical sexual arousal along with a discharge on the emotional level. On the physical level, the orgasm reflex is triggered, resulting in quick successive contractions of the muscles in your pelvic floor and abdomen, leading into relaxation. On an emotional level, you relax muscles in your upper body, you exhale, you let sounds come out: You might sigh, moan, giggle, laugh, scream or even cry. These are all emotional discharges. Have you ever seen the movie "When Harry met Sally"? It's a old rom com. Go to Youtube and punch in "Sally fakes orgasm". The actress does a pretty good job at showing an emotional discharge. We encourage you to imitate this. Or, if this seems like a bit much, imagine letting out a sigh of relief. Act as if you were doing that. Observe what happens in your upper body. Now act as if you are laughing. And now act as if you are screaming with joy. Observe your upper body as you are doing this. Acting these things will help you become less inhibited about them. You can also trick your brain into thinking "She's doing this, so we're probably having fun". This proves there is some truth to the old saying: "Fake it till you make it".

How can I overcome inhibitions?

Maybe you think you're too inhibited to move or make sounds during sex. Moving, however, will help you overcome feelings of inhibition. This is because we're quite tense when we're inhibited, and moving relaxes this tension, both on a physical and a mental level. Consequently, you will have a more relaxed approach to things. Rather than tell yourself: "I look stupid", you're much more likely to think: "This is fun". It's quite similar to when you dance and really overcome this wall of awkward inhibition. This might take practice. We recommend you practice by yourself at first. You might start under a blanket, in the dark, with music turned on. Then you can use a dimmed light – for instance, by draping a colored scarf or towel over it. Eventually, you can position a mirror so that you see yourself. You'll be much more at ease showing yourself to someone else if you're used to looking at yourself. You'll be much more relaxed when he or she sees you move during arousal or let go during an orgasm. We also recommend you exaggerate things in a playful manner. This will help your body learn, and it will help you take a more humorous approach. If it all appears weird to you, this might simply be because it's new to you. Practicing will help you get used to it.

What if I'm afraid to lose control?

You won't lose control. You'll remain totally conscious and in control. You'll be able to stop whenever you want. You can turn off the screaming, moving, whatever (even though you might not want to). Maybe you've read things about orgasms where people "lose it", become unconscious and similar things you're quite rightfully afraid of. This is usually the case when peope hyperventillate during sex. Hyperventillation means short, sharp, shallow breathing, with a focus on inhaling. This can make you dizzy and (in very rare cases) even lose consciousness. When you deep breathe with a focus on exhaling, this won't happen to you.

How do I learn to have a vaginal orgasm?

If your goal is to get an orgasm during vaginal intercourse, please read these tips.