Sexual problems and solutions / How can I (f) learn to have an orgasm?:

An orgasm doesn't just fall from the sky. If and how you experience it depends on many things, ranging from your emotional state to what you do with your body.

Shouldn't I just have an orgasm? Others do!

Contrary to what you might believe, an orgasm isn't "the most natural thing in the world". You don't simply have one by default. And an orgasm doesn’t suddenly happen to you out of nowhere. Nor is it up to your partners to give you one. If you have an orgasm, it's your own achievement. Some women have learned it – by accident, or by conscious practice. You can also learn to influence how you experience an orgasm, i.e. if it's a great orgasm or if it's a so-so orgasm. In short: Experiencing a great orgasm is a matter of practice.

Can I have an orgasm without knowing?

Some women think that they don't orgasm. But if you were to measure what happens in their body, you'd see that they have a physical discharge. They just haven't learned to perceive it yet. A physical discharge means you let go of tension. That's what's going on in your body. It doesn't necessarily mean you experience it as pleasurable. After the physical discharge, you are more relaxed and the blood flow in your genitalia decreases. To understand this better, please read this text on sexual arousal.

Why do I have an orgasm alone, but not with a partner?

Maybe you have no problem increasing your sexual arousal to an orgasm during masturbation. It's like dancing alone and then trying to dance with your partner. It's totally normal that this doesn't work right away. It takes time and patience. How you've learned to arouse yourself also plays an important role. Imagine a woman who is used to rubbing the head of her clitoris. She doesn't enjoy vaginal intercourse much at first: She's just not used to it. As we write in our text Orgasm: clitoral or vaginal?, the road to orgasm is different depending on whether the clitoris (external) or the vagina (internal) is stimulated. If you only practice the former, you won't learn the latter. This is where our practice tips for more vaginal perception come in handy. Also, some masturbation techniques are not applicable for arousal with a partner, others more so. To find out if yours is, please read this text on techniques of genital arousal.

What can I do if I'm just too inhibited?

Some women simply feel inhibited when another person is around. They still shy away from showing themselves as a sensual and sexually aroused woman. It is also more difficult to achieve orgasm then. You can practice feeling more at ease showing yourself while sexually aroused. Clearly, experience will make you more at ease. Moving your body also helps. This will relax you mentally, as well. This is explained in our text on movement during sex.

Why do I orgasm with a partner, but not alone?

Maybe you only experience orgasms when you're with a partner. This may be because you're only really sexually aroused when your partner is present. Your partner is an important source of sexual arousal. When you're alone this source is missing, and masturbation can be just boring. Or you might not like to touch yourself. It's a good idea to practice masturbation, however, because it's a good way to build up better relationship between you and your genitals.

Why do I sometimes orgasm and sometimes not?

There are many things that can "feed" sexual arousal. And there are many things that can interfere with sexual arousal. That's why you may experience an orgasm in certain situations and not in others. Your sexual arousal always needs enough stimulation and as little disturbance as possible. Do you know what stimulates your sexual arousal and what disturbs it?

Why do I experience pleasure but little sexual arousal?

In order to understand better why you do or don't have an orgasm during a sexual encounter, it's a good idea to distinguish what happens on a genital level and what happens on an emotional level. Imagine having sex with a hot guy. You're in love, you're on cloud nine. The pleasure rises, you're feeling great. This can even lead to a so-called emotional discharge: You might have to laugh. Or feel the need to scream. Or maybe even cry. But, not much happens in your genitals. The physical arousal doesn't really increase so much. It doesn't reach that critical point needed for a real orgasm. Maybe this doesn't even bother you at all, because you enjoy the encounter so much.

Why do I experience sexual arousal without pleasure?

Maybe the opposite happens: Imagine yourself, desperately trying to raise sexual arousal. You might tense up, press really hard, rub really fast… You might ignore that your body is actually in quite an uncomfortable state. All you can think about is wanting to come. Eventually, finally, your sexual arousal reaches a climax and there is some kind of physical discharge. But because the road leading up to it was so stressed and strained, the experience is far from pleasurable. You might feel relieved, but also frustrated. The orgasm itself might be bland, totally lack oomph. Maybe you only feel some kind of pulsation, followed by relaxation. This is typically the case when you tense your abdominal and pelvic muscles very strongly – so strongly that the blood circulation is virtually cut off. If the blood circulation is bad we perceive less, and where we perceive less, naturally, we won't perceive an orgasm as intensely. You might be interested in our text Effects of high muscular tension during sex.

Why is it possible to orgasm during an assault?

Fear makes us tense up, and tension can make your physical sexual arousal increase. So, it's possible that people orgasm – or rather experience some sort of physical discharge – when forced to have sex. It's important to understand that this has nothing to do with wanting this to happen. The perpetrator might use this as an argument against you, or you might question your own motives. But, remember: What happens on a physical level, and how we experience it, are two entirely different things. And there are situations where we just can't influence it.

What if nothing happens at all?

Don't be so sure about this. Maybe you have the expectation that you're supposed to be totally aroused and experience heaps of pleasure. In reality, a sexual experience might just be "meh". Yes, you might be wet, and yes, it's kind of nice – but that's all. Okay. But this is not "nothing at all". Your physical arousal might be higher than you think – there's definitely something there, otherwise you wouldn't get wet. We suggest you focus on what there is rather than on what there isn't. We call it the Swiss cheese principle (after all, Lilli's based in Switzerland): If you focus on the holes in the cheese you don't notice that the cheese actually tastes nice. So focus on what you feel, what you perceive, on what's pleasant. And remember: An orgasm might not be so far off.

How can I learn to reach an orgasm?

So how do you manage to get all the way up to orgasm? You'll find the answer in our arousal-to-orgasm tips for women.