Sex is about experiences. And it's about exploring what you like. That takes practice. You can practice alone or with a partner. There are tricks to having a more positive attitude about sex.
Why do I not know what I want during sex?
Imagine that you have never eaten fruit before. You wouldn't know what they taste like. And you wouldn't know which ones you liked more than others. Let's say you have very little experience with sex. Then you don't know what you "like" during sex. So sex is about having experiences. And it's about exploring what you like.
Why does it take practice?
The taste comes with practice during sex. Because it takes practice to experience touch in a pleasurable and arousing way. And it takes practice to become aroused to the point of orgasm. You can find out why this is the case in our text «How does sexual learning work?». So it's not enough to try something once. Do it more often so that you develop a taste for it.
Why is masturbation useful?
When you masturbate, you discover what you like during sex. You will also discover what feels good to you. Solo sex allows you to take your time and develop a feeling for your genitals. And you can become familiar with your sexual arousal — without trying to please anyone or being disturbed by anyone. Masturbation is therefore a good basis for sex with a partner. You may also be interested in our tips «Solo sex: Tips for women and all people with vulvas and vaginas» and «Solo sex: Tips for men and all penis owners».
How can I be more open to new things?
You may find that you feel a lot of shame and defensiveness during sex. You have more of a «no» attitude than a «yes» attitude. This may annoy you. Because you really want to enjoy sex. Here are some simple tricks you can use to get a more positive attitude toward sex:
- Don't make a face during sex, but relax. A slight smile is best. This gives you a positive attitude to what you're doing.
- Move. Your body feels best when you move it gently. Say you're lying still. Then your muscles may tighten. And then touch feels uncomfortable. You can read more about movement in our texts «Why should women move during sex?» and «Your pelvis is the steering wheel of your penis».
- Don't forget to breathe. When you breathe deeply, you can't tense up. Deep breathing also calms you down. You can learn how to breathe deeply with the text «Abdominal breathing revitalizes and calms».
How to deal with mixed feelings
You may have mixed feelings during sex. Part of you wants to keep going because it's exciting and arousing. Another part of you wants to stop because it feels weird, uncomfortable, painful or scary. These mixed feelings are normal when you have new sexual experiences. After all, you are exploring your limits. And you are getting to know yourself better. It's important to pay attention to how you feel. Do you find that the unpleasant feelings during sex are stronger than the pleasant ones? Then it's a good idea to tell your partner: «I want to stop now».
Why shouldn't I pretend?
It helps if you don't pretend to others. Tell your partner that an experience is new to you. Also say that you're not sure how you're going to like it. Don't pretend to be more experienced than you are. That's only going to create pressure and make you feel more insecure. Remember that it's perfectly okay to say «no». Or you can say: «Maybe, let's see how it goes.» Then communicate with your partner during sex and let them know how you're feeling. You can always stop what you're doing if it doesn't feel good. When it comes to sex, starting to do something never means you have to finish it! Exploring new things is much easier if you trust each other and know that you can stop at any time.