Sexuality: facts and tips / This makes sex more fun for two:

If you talk with each other during and about sex, you avoid frustration. Talking about sex is a matter of practice. We have some tips for you to make talking easier.

Talking helps to avoid misunderstandings

Maybe you think your partner should notice during sex what's going on inside you, what you like and what you need. But people are not psychics and don't know exactly what's going on in another person's mind. You can only guess. That's why misunderstandings around sex are common. The worst case ist that you both do things you don't like because you think your partner wants you to.

Whoever talks, takes control

If you keep quiet, you also leave control to the other person during sex. Maybe they'll do something you don't want. And you are frustrated because you don't get what you want, or you feel exploited or even abused. If you talk, you take control, too.

Talking helps prevent infections and avoid pregnancies

We believe that it's absolutely necessary to talk about prevention and protection of unwanted pregnancies, as well as sexually transmitted infections (STIs) before engaging sexually with another person. Find out how you can protect yourself and which contraceptives you want to use first, and then talk with your partner. Find out what they want to do about protection. Negotiate Find a solution together. If you don't - then don't have sex with one another.

Think about what you want first

It is so much easier to talk if you know what you want to say. This is true for contraception as well as for your preferences. Here are some helpful considerations you could make and share with your partner.

• Do you want to have sexual experiences with the person, or do you want a love relationship?
• What sexual actions and positions do you like?
• Where do you like to be touched?
• How do you like to be touched?
• What's important for you to get in the mood for sex?
• What can really kill your mood during sex?
• What sexual acts do you not want to do?
• What sexual acts aren't you ready for yet?
• What would you try under certain conditions?

Some of these things are easier shown than said, like for instance what kind of touch you like. You can show your partner by touching your or their arm in the way you like it. Maybe you're not so sure what you like. Then tell your partner what you'd like to try out.

Be honest when you talk

If you are insecure or anxious, it's a good idea to let your partner know. There's no point in pretending that you're totally experienced, because then they might just go for it and you'll just get tense. You'll manipulate yourself into a bad experience. Don't. Let them know. This way they'll be careful. And, please, don't lie about something they did. If you tell them something felt great, the other person feels encouraged to do more of it. If you have mixed feelings and don't know exactly what you want during sex, it's best to share that, too.

Talking during sex can be sexy

We strongly advise to try talking as a turn-on. Not in a sense of criticising or analyzing what you or they are doing – in fact, this can be a major turn-off. But rather to use words as a source of arousal. The internet is full of ideas for "dirty talk". So, if you can't think of anything to say, be inspired and try out some of the stuff you read. You might also use words that reflect your fantasies. Or simply let your partner know when you like something or when you feel good. "Ooooh this is goood!" sounds so much better than silence. Maybe you're ambivalent and don't quite know if you like something. Then, using your voice can actually make you feel better, because it makes you exhale and your voice massages you from the inside, so to speak – even just saying "Mmmm!" or "Aaaah". So your voice can help you relax emotionally. Try it!

When to give feedback

There's a simple rule: If you really hurt or feel terrible during sex, tell your partner you need to stop or do something else. Right away. Don't suffer in silence. Unless they're really rude, don't tell them that they're to blame, but rather, how you feel. So, for instance, rather than tell them they hurt you, tell them that you're in pain. If the sex is so-so, with good bits and not so good bits, and left you somewhat wanting, wait with your feedback till after sex. Make sure you let some time pass. Talking about sex with your partner when they're in post-orgasmic bliss can be a complete turn-off and lead into a big fight. People tend to be more vulnerable and emotional after sex. Talk about it the next day.

Don't accuse, suggest

If you are unhappy or frustrated about something, we advise you not to blame ("Your hand was too dry!", "You went too fast!", "You never kiss long enough!.", "You always do..."). If you make accusations, your partner will feel attacked and most likely fight back. Also, if you focus on what someone shouldn't do, they don't know what you want them to do. You might focus on the little bits they did well and encourage them what to do more of, or in which direction to go ("I like it when your hand is wet", "You moved very slowly in the beginning. This slow movement is a total turn-on for me", "You teased me with that kiss. Mmm. Give me more of that!!"). If you talk about a negative experience, always make suggestions how to change it ("I don't really know how I feel about .. yet. I would like to try... instead", "Somehow I'm not a fan of..., maybe it would help me if you...").

Talking about sex is a matter of practice

Talking about sex or during sex may not come easily to you if you've never done it before. The more you practice, the more you get used to it, and it will eventually become normal for you. Books are a good way to help you talk – you can even read them together (for example, "The Guide to Getting It On" by Paul Joannides). In time, you'll probably find that talking during sex or about sex can also be quite erotic and arousing.