I am a guy in late 20s who is struggling with dating. I was molested several times during my childhood and teenage years. I have a hard time initiating anything remotely physical with a woman that I've went out with on a date multiple times. Even something as simple as touching her hand makes me feel like a creep/molester/rapist. But, if the woman initiates, I feel totally fine and I can play along and escalate. Moreover, I don't have the same mental block to, for example, touch a platonic lady friend's hand.
In the society that I live in, the guy is expected to initiate and lead on the physical stuff. Many of the dates fizzled out coz I didn't initiate anything physical with the woman.
One of the ideas I had was explicitly asking a woman's permission "may I touch your hand?". But, my friends(both men and women) advised me against it and suggested "Don't talk about it, Just go for it. Start with something safe and simple, if she responds positively, escalate step-by-step and whenever she does not, back off".
I don't know what to do. What do I do? How can I overcome this fear? Also, how do you initiate physical stuff without coming off as creepy?
P.S.: I am in therapy, it has helped in overcoming several issues from my past but I don't think it is helping me in overcoming with this irrational fear.
Unsere Antwort
Both your idea of asking and your friends' advice of a nonverbal step-by-step approach sound reasonable. I suggest using both verbal and non-verbal communication. Words can help rule out misunderstandings. But I also agree that too much talking takes the fun out of things.
Non-verbal communication in dating is all about pacing and leading. Pacing means you observe the other person and adjust your pace to her pace. This will make her feel comfortable. Then you make a move, leading into the direction you want to go to. This means taking a step into this direction. Just one step. Wait and observe how she reacts. If she turns into your direction, as well, pace for a bit, observe, and take another step.
Take the example of going for a walk with a woman. You might ask her if she wants to sit on a bench. She might say yes. You sit and chat. You move a bit closer. You see how she reacts. Let's say she smiles and continues chatting, indicating that she's open to your move. Next, you might put your hand on the backrest, close to her. Observe her reaction. As a next step, you might casually touch her arm with your hand. Observe her reaction. If she's open, she'll continue turning towards you, she'll smile, she'll appear relaxed. If not, she might shy away, stop moving, turn away, indicating that your step was not the right step at the right time. In this case, move back a bit, i.e. take your arm down again, showing her that you respect her boundaries. Note that this doesn't mean that she doesn't want you to ever touch you. But just not right now. Not just yet.
Usually, both people take steps alternately. I don't know where you live, but I would say this is also true in any culture or society – even the ones where the man officially makes the first move. If you observe the woman, she takes steps, too. When she smiles at you. When she moves closer to you. When she lets her hand run through her hair. When she turns towards you. Or when she turns away, but looks at you with a smile. Flirts with you.
Taking a step and finding out how the other person reacts, observing her next step and taking another step can be a very pleasurable, even arousing game. It's what we call seduction. Seduction is a way of igniting a fire in the other person. Both take steps alternately, building up a fire between them. The key is to give the other person time and space to develop desire for you and for what you want. This is why you take small steps. Note that seduction is not the same as manipulation. In seduction you show what you want. You don't veil your real motives and trick the other person into taking steps she doesn't want to take. You show her you like her. But you feed her little doses rather than stuffing a whole meal into her mouth right away.
Note how different this seductive approach is to molesting another person. Molesting somebody means you don't respect their wishes, needs, or wellbeing. I assume you learned to read people quite well – this is usually the case in people growing up in a difficult environment. So, trust yourself to read women well enough. If you're slightly off, if you take a wrong step, they'll let you know. The key is that you respect their boundaries. A molester doesn't.
Don't let what happened in the past overshadow your happiness today. Don't let the people who were cruel to you in the past control you in the present. It's time to move on and feed your brain new information, more positive experiences, allowing it to store your memories where they belong: in the past.
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