I dated a sweet and a great guy(my girlfriends called him 'marriage material'). But he was obese.
When we got intimate I just couldn't help but turned off by his body. I have a high sex drive but I dreaded being intimate with him and after a few weeks it felt like I am forcing myself to be with him to prove to myself that I am not a shallow person.
All his life he has been bullied for being obese, and he has given up on losing weight & getting healthy.
I just couldn't deal with the lack of physical attraction and, I broke off things with him. To not hurt his feelings I lied to him saying I am not ready for a serious relationship yet.
He seems to be handling this well but every time I see him in my social circle, I feel a lot of guilt and shame for being a shallow person.
What do I do?
Unsere Antwort
Rejecting someone we like doesn't feel good, no matter what the reason is. But it's a part of life – it's definitely a part of dating life. I suggest you stop beating yourself up for being a "shallow" person. Physical attraction is an important prerequisite for a sexual relationship, and it just didn't click. People have different, very individual "attraction codes". Excess weight on a male body doesn't fit in your personal profile of "attractive", and so be it. Other women don't get turned off by obesity – or they might even find it attractive. They're not "deeper" than you are, they just have different attraction codes.
It would be a different story if you fell in love with a man and wanted to be in a relationship with him, and were struggling with his weight. Interestingly, it's possible to change your attraction codes. I.e. you can "put on a different pair of glasses" and see the beauty beyond something you initially found unattractive. This beauty tends to emerge as we get to know someone better – on a different level and with different senses: his body, every inch of it, the sensual quality of the skin, the warmth, the curves, the movements, the smell, its sexuality, how he animates it – and so on.
But it seems you didn't fall in love with him. Falling in love is something we can't really influence, I think. So I would like to invite you to be friends with yourself again: You're not a bad person. This is just the nature of things.
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