In question 35859, when I said, it hasn't worked out, here's what I meant:
I was on apps for a long time.
Pretty much every women that I met from the apps who were open to casual sex were way more experienced than me, and none of them were willing to have sex with an inexperienced guy. In fact, every one of them stopped seeing me after learning about my inexperience.
There were women on apps who do not care much about sexual experience, but they were looking for a serious relationship. I am not ready for a serious relationship, and I don't want to lie to somebody for gaining sexual experience.
As a single brown man, I have long ago tried, and understood that I will not be given entry into any sex clubs/parties.
I heard gay community is more open to having sex, and some of them cross-dress. So I met a cross-dresser for sex, as a straight man that experience was super uncomfortable, and I would never try something like that ever again.
Recently, I went to a sex worker, before anything I told her that I am inexperienced and I am specifically looking for some practice and education. But, she didn't care what I wanted, her goal was to just finish me off and kick me out.
After your response, I checked surrogate partner therapy and sexological body work.
Unfortunately, surrogate partner therapy is illegal, and hence not available in France. I contacted an organization in Netherlands, and they gave me a hefty price tag of 10,000 EUR which I cannot afford without a bank loan(if I do manage to get one).
Sexological bodywork though not illegal, there is only one woman here that I could find online. I wrote to her, and I haven't heard anything from her yet.
Sorry to sound so negative. As you can see I have tried so many things and it hasn't worked out.
I don't know what to do now,
Keep looking for a sex worker who'll be open to help me?
Take a loan for surrogate partner therapy?
I am open to hearing any suggestions you might have. If you don't have any, its ok. I appreciate you taking time to listen to my troubles anyways.
Unsere Antwort
Thank you for the clarifications. I have a much better picture of your situation now. Fundamentally, it seems to me that you are unnecessarily worried about your sexual “inexperience”. First of all, plenty of men in their 30s have not had very many sexual partners or experiences. In fact, some people only have one or two sexual partners in their whole life.
It seems like you've been explicitly telling the women you met on apps that you're “inexperienced”. This is what's been standing in the way, not the “inexperience” itself. So, I'd recommend you stop labeling yourself that way. Because, firstly, there is no need for it. Feeling a bit insecure or nervous about new situations is completely normal. But you have no obligation to mention your previous sexual experience at all. Secondly, it's just not true. You have had sexual experiences, both with yourself and with some other people. That's plenty.
You are giving the whole idea of experience way more significance than it deserves. Experience in and of itself is not what makes you a good lover. Sex is always different, with every new partner. Good lovers know that. There's always a learning curve, and curiosity, attention, openness and knowing your own body are much more important than the mere number of sexual encounters. Sex isn't like operating a machine, so it's not like you'll learn “how it works” once and then you're set. It's a lifelong learning process – and you're on this journey just like everyone else. So don't sell yourself short. You're not lacking anything.
You don't need to pay a ton of money for surrogate partner therapy. Instead, invest some time in improving your sexual self-confidence. There are ways to practice for partnered sex on your own. Please read our texts Practice for vaginal intercourse: tips for men and all penis owners and Practicing for better sex. They explain how you can gain sexual skills on your own. If you do that, no one will even notice that you haven't had that much experience with partnered sex. And it will make you feel much more confident.
Try to work on your thoughts as well: Stop thinking of yourself as “the inexperienced guy”. Try to find a new narrative for yourself, one that centers around exploration, learning, and discovering your own pleasure. And remember the many successes you've already had in the process of healing from your sexual trauma.
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