I [F, 27] am in a happy relationship with my bf [28]. However, I can’t shake this thought off my head that one day I will cheat on him.
To give some context, I never understood how some people stop getting attracted to other people when they are in a relationship. That was never my case. It has always been an effort for me to stay committed and exclusive (and I mostly do successfully make the effort. I have only failed to do so once).
It’s embarrassing for me that I still check people out and think about flirting with them, even now that I am emotionally and sexually satisfied in my relationship.
I have a high sex drive and am lucky to have a partner that matches me on this trait, but unlike him, sex with other people is still pretty much on my mind.
I have tried polyamory before, but stopped since it was mentally draining me.
Any clue on how I can understand myself better on this, Lilli?
Unsere Antwort
It's a common misconception that people somehow automatically stop being attracted to others when they enter a relationship. Many people still experience sexual attraction to people other than their partners. So you're completely normal in that regard. The fact that you feel embarrassed about merely noticing other people or thinking about flirting with them, tells me that you hold some beliefs about this not being okay. That's not surprising since our society still very much favors monogamy, and we are often told that we shouldn't feel any sexual desire outside of it. It could be useful to think about where those beliefs came from. Who taught them to you? And do they match your own experience?
Monogamy is a choice. It's not something that just “happens” — even when you are in a happy relationship. If you want to make that choice and commit to a sexually exclusive relationship, then I'd recommend that you explore when this gets difficult for you. What situations or set of circumstances make it hard for you? Why? Observe yourself and be as specific as you can. Once you know your challenges, you can think about ways to defuse those moments. What would help you in those situations? Are there ways to make it easier for yourself? How might your partner help you with this? Since I'm hearing a lot of self-judgment in your question, I invite you to be curious, nonjudgmental, and kind in your self-observations. You could try to approach it like a researcher gathering data, for example. Generating this information and these strategies will help you feel more in control. Because in the end, you decide if you cheat. That also doesn't just happen.
Another option, of course, would be an open relationship. You said that you've tried polyamory before and it was draining. But there are so many ways to be consensually non-monogamous. So I'd be curious to know what exactly you have tried. Was it having several emotionally involved relationships? Was it occasional sex with strangers? And what was draining about it? Maybe there are other relationship models that would suit your wants and needs better.
Feel free to write to us again. Please include this question number, if you do.
Schau dir mehr Antworten und Infotexte an zum Thema