Sexuality: facts and tips / Sex tips and exercises for men and all penis owners:

Muscular tension is very arousing. But it can also make you cum too quickly, or not at all, or not get an erection… You might feel less or even have unpleasant feelings and thoughts.

Sexual arousal needs muscular tension

The most important thing first: Sexual arousal needs a certain amount of muscular tension. When aroused, the tension of the muscles in your buttocks, stomach and pelvis increases. This happens automatically. Tension means more physical activity and blood circulation – this is necessary for sexual arousal. If you just relax, your arousal falls asleep and you won't be able to reach orgasm.

Muscles in the pelvis can be aroused

There is another reason why muscular tension is arousing: Muscular tension and pressure stimulate sexually sensitive receptors within the muscles of the buttocks and pelvis. Receptors are endings of nerves that run up into the brain and tell the brain that something is happening at their other end.

Muscular tension drives sexual arousal up

Many men clench the muscles of their buttocks, pelvis, thighs or their whole body quite strongly to get aroused, while rubbing or pressing their penis. This allows them to ejaculate rather quickly. The next time you masturbate, pay attention to your technique. Maybe you're more focused on your fantasies or porn when masturbating – and you don't even notice how much your muscles work.

High muscular tension can lead to problems

Sex has many strange qualities. One of them is that high muscular tension, while being so sexually arousing, can also lead to sexual problems. These problems are more likely to arise, the longer you tense your muscles without relaxing them. Here we describe some of them.

Sex might be less enjoyable

Although high muscular tension is incredibly arousing, it is often not very enjoyable: When the muscles in the buttocks and pelvis are very tense, less blood flows into your penis, because the pressure of the muscles is higher than the blood pressure. Where there's little blood, you perceive less. Obviously, to enjoy a touch, you have to perceive it. You may even experience something rather unpleasant: You may find it exhausting to arouse yourself to orgasm, and you might have a headache or feel other pain afterwards, due to the long muscular strain.

You might cum too quickly…

If you want to control your ejaculation, you have to feel your arousal rising, and you have to be able to perceive your point of no return. Remember that high muscular tension makes you feel less. If you feel less, it will be harder for you to control sexual arousal. Remember, also, that high muscular tension raises arousal more quickly. So now you understand why it's highly likely that you cum quicker than you want – and that clenching your muscles even more to hold off an ejaculation is not a good idea.

…or not fast enough, or not at all

Some guys come too fast if they tense their muscles too much, others take forever – or they don't come at all. This is also due to the fact that you perceive less when your muscles are so tense. And you need to feel your penis well to perceive all the stimulation that drives your arousal up. This is more common in men age 35 and up. When you're older, less testosterone flows through your body, and you need more stimulation. Often times therefore, coming too quickly as a young man will lead to problems coming, at all, as an older man. The cause is high muscular tension and little perception.

You might have erection problems

Now it gets really complicated: Your sexual arousal needs muscular tension, but the muscles around your penis need to be somewhat relaxed for blood to flow into your penis. So, if the muscles in your pelvis really tense before you have an erection, the blood doesn't stand a chance to fill your penis. This means that a good erection needs a certain amount of relaxation. In older men, where the veins are no longer so elastic, these circulatory problems occur much more frequently with high tension than in young men. But even as a young man this can happen to you.

You might not desire penetration

Your sexual fantasies pick up what your body does. If you arouse yourself in a stiff, motionless fashion, it's hard to develop fantasies of actively penetrating someone with your penis. This may translate to having less desire for penetration, and to problems with arousal during intercourse. Some men develop the desire to be penetrated. Let's say you're used to lying on your belly and pressing your penis very hard. You'll feel very little in your penis, and the perception can "migrate" backwards, to the anus. You might develop fantasies of being penetrated. This can cause problems if you're with a person who wants you to penetrate them.

You might not like tender, sensual sex

If you're used to arousing yourself with lots of muscular tension, you're more likely to develop a liking for strong, powerful stimulation – perhaps even in a very specific position where a maximum amount of pressure and muscular tension is possible. Now imagine your partner liking sensual sex and tender touch. Due to your high muscular tension, you might perceive tender touch as unpleasantly ticklish and irritating. This may then hurt your partner. It is important for both of you to understand that this is not a sign of lack of love, but of high muscular tension.

High muscular tension can lead to hard fantasies

In a constant state of high muscular tension, sexual fantasies with hard, even violent content can pop up in your head. Maybe you find that disturbing because you don't want something like that in real life, at all. Here, too, it is important to understand: In high muscular tension, no romantic, moving images arise during sex; the high muscular tension translates much more into images, e.g. of bondage, dominance and submission. If you understand that these fantasies are simply a mirror of your arousal technique and have little to do with your personality, you can enjoy them more easily.

High tension is not compatible with feelings of love

The body is tense in stress. This condition is associated with unpleasant feelings such as anger, fear, disgust or shame. It's also called the "fight or flight response". Your entire system senses danger. You're more likely to see enemies than friends. Researchers have found out that you can trigger this state of mind if you really tense up in your body. Therefore, if you arouse yourself in high muscular tension, you might find it difficult to experience feelings of love for your partner during sex. The BDSM scene has found a great solution for this conundrum: role-playing. As a couple who love each other, you can slip into roles during sex in which you can live out your "harder" sexual desires – and still be a happy couple. Of course, this only works if your partner is into it, too.

High tension leads to performance anxiety

This is important for anybody who has ever had a stressful moment during sex: Let's say that you're insecure, you don't really know what you do, you think you have to please your partner, you have performance anxiety, you get a worrisome feedback from your partner, your penis doesn't do what you want it to do – and so on. You can bet your body tenses up due to this stress. As you've read in the previous paragraph, this tension is likely to make you even more anxious. And more tense. As a result, your "sexual functioning" might go down because you don't feel anything in your body anymore. Rather than focus on the ruminating in your head, understanding this vicious cycle is the first step of doing something about it.

The solution is to move

If you arouse yourself with high muscular tension and have no problem with it, then we recommend that you continue like this. After all, high tension is very arousing. However, if you have read something here that poses a problem for you, you may be interested in learning other arousal techniques. Complete relaxation during sex is not possible, because then your sexual arousal will fall asleep, so to speak. The solution, rather, is to move during sex. You'll find out why this is so in this text about movement during sex.