Dear Team Lilli,
I have a question concerning the standing up pelvic movement masturbation method. I've been practicing this method and have already made good progress. My orgasms are more intense, and the journey to orgasm is also more enjoyable.Before trying this method, I used to tense up my abdominals really hard, which led to unwanted sexual fantasies as described on your website.
However, there is still one obstacle I'd like to tackle. Just before I ejaculate, I can feel the ejaculation coming. When I sense it, I tend to become tense again. Do you have any tips on how to not focus on the orgasm and just let it happen?
Thought coming up before ejaculation are:
- Is this the right way of ejaculating?
-Do I find this enjoyable?
-Should I come now or is this wrong?
All these toughts are worrying thoughts which I do not want in order to completely ejaculate without any worry.
Great Regards
Unsere Antwort
Congratulations, you're doing really well with our exercises! Learning is a process, and when learning a new arousal technique, the last moments before orgasm are usually the ones that take the most practice. This has to do with the necssity to build up intensity to get to the point of no return. Many people who learn to move during arousal find themselves holding still or tensing up in these last moments. I suggest you allow for this tension and try to build it into the movement, or to combine tension and movement to build up intensity.
As for your thoughts, here are some tips how to deal with them:
"Is this the right way of ejaculating" – Yes it is. There is no wrong way. Or, what do you mean by "wrong way"? What "wrong way" is there? An ejaculation means that ejaculate comes out of the penis. There is no right or wrong way regarding how the ejaculate comes out. So whenever this question pops up again, give your mind an answer: "Whatever comes is right". "Really?" "Yup. There is no wrong way."
"Do I find this enjoyable?" – Good question. As long as you allow for any experience: enjoyable, dull, fascinating, meh, exciting, dissapointing. How about welcoming all these experiences? Who says that sex always HAS to be enjoyable?
"Should I come now or is this wrong?" – Hm. Why could it be wrong? Any moment in time is okay, because any moment offers you a different experience. Some experiences might feel better than others, but you've got to allow for these lesser experiences to be. This is the reality of sex.
The short answer to all your questions is: "Any experience is okay."
And if your mind goes all "But it should be enjoyable/great/relaxed and yet intense!!!", and "I should have an empty head that doesn't ruminate during sex!!!", and "I shouldn't focus on coming!!!" – don't beat yourself up over being so achievement-oriented and perfectionistic, but acknowledge that this is just what your mind offers you right now. This acknowledgement will, in turn, relax you more.
This attitude of openness toward whatever is – we call it mindfulness. It's a great attitude to develop and practice during sex. Or, in life, for that matter. (If you're interested in this approach, google "Jon Kabat-Zinn".)
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