Hi Lilli,
I had a series of horrible dating experiences and I was almost about to give up on dating. Then I met a cute woman who personality-wise is everything I have ever wanted but, I am not sexually attracted to her.
When she was in the mood, I forced myself to sleep with her. The whole sexual encounter felt almost mechanical coz when we kissed, I felt nothing, and for the most part I was not aroused.
She's the nicest person I have ever dated, and especially after the series of horrible experiences I went through, I just want to focus my time and energy on making things work with her than date someone else.
Is it possible to intentionally develop sexual attraction towards someone? If yes, how?
If there is no way, to avoid hurting her in the long run, I'll let her go.
If there is a way, how do I talk to her about this and request some time from her?
My friends think that I am settling. She's cute, honest, very intelligent and mature. I think I am making a compromise.
Where is the line between settling and compromise?
She's very traditional, she doesn't date multiple people at the same time and she expects the same from the person she dates. Since I want this to work, I'm not seeing anyone else.
Is it possible to make this work?
Unsere Antwort
That's a tough situation you're in, I can understand your mixed feelings. There are many facets to your question, and unfortunately there's no universal answer to it. People can certainly develop attraction for someone they didn't initially feel attracted to. Maybe you've experienced that in the past as well? Attraction is about more than physical features, so as you get to know someone, their attractiveness will change. There is, however, no guarantee that you will develop sexual attraction to this woman.
For one, you can try to focus on what you find arousing and sexy about her. More importantly, being aroused doesn't solely depend on the other person. In fact, your arousal is mostly your own responsibility. Know (or find out!) what kind of touch, what kind of setting, what kind of interaction arouses you—and communicate that to your partner! You can also learn new ways of being aroused. Maybe read our text on sexual learning. Sexual arousal is always dependent on context. That includes your own thoughts and feelings. Worrying and being anxious puts the brakes on sexual arousal for most people. So try to ease the pressure a bit. From what I understand, you have only been dating this woman for a short while and have only had sex once. If that's the case, I would definitely recommend that you give it some more time. You don't have to make a decision for life right now. Explore and be curious. Try out different ways of being sexual and sensual with each other.
I think the concept of settling can be a bit problematic. Perfect partners don't exist—expecting everything to "just work" is a recipe for unhappiness in any relationship. It's a myth that good relationships don't require any effort. You seem to genuinely like this woman and that's a great base for a lasting relationship. It's also worth noting, that sexual attraction changes and fluctuates throughout the course of a relationship — that's normal. Having good sex is something most couples need to actively work on at some point.
I'd recommend you read our texts on sexual arousal and sexual desire.
And feel free to write us again if you want more advice. Please include this question number, if you do.
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