Firstly, thank you for your great content. I was reading some of your articles and decided this would be the proper place to ask my question.
I am a 18-year-old male, but my sexual journey started even before my teens. Since my the beginning of my teenage years masturbation and porn has been quite prevalent in my life; I would describe my consumption of erotic content as compulsive, in some periods often masturbating many times a day while watching porn. I was always fantasizing of sex with a partner. I knew this was a problem and tried to cut down on it several times but returned to porn. To me, masturbation and porn had always been interconnected psychologically.
However, a year ago I met a wonderful girl who became my girlfriend. Before this I had noticed my problems with compulsivity and cut down my content consumption to a normal level. We gradually built up our intimacy and after around 6 months we had penetrative sex. I enjoyed pleasuring her first, but at my turn, I discovered that I suffered from erection problems. I managed to get an erection by receiving oral sex from her (which we had done before as well), but I became flaccid fast and could not effectively penetrate her. I had to practically masturbate for 30-ish seconds before getting erect again and able to penetrate, but inside her my erection worsened and I became effectively flaccid again. I finally managed to orgasm and ejaculate, but it was confusing. We tried again another day and had the same problem. We split up soon after on good terms due to unrelated reason,
Three months ago I had sex again with another girl, but I had the same problem, even after having cut down my consumption of porn to zero. Even though I felt aroused and thought I would be erect, I wasn't at all. I again had to masturbate to get erect and had the same kind of sex as last time. I was very disappointed with myself afterwards and that also was very clearly the last and only time that I was to have sex with her.
These situations turned my mind off sex with others and I have been searching for a problem ever since. I have cut down my masturbation to just one time per week in an attempt to increase sexual tension and effectively started to masturbate in a way closer to the one described on this site. I am hopeful that practicing the habits here will help, but even still I am scared that I won't be aroused enough to penetrate anyone effectively due to my previous history with masturbation and porn consumption.
Do you think this is normal and do you think this problem can be resolved? I don't think I've ever really suffered from performance anxiety, but this has worsened my sexual confidence a lot in the past months and attached a negative connotation even to masturbation in itself, even though I don't effectively use porn anymore.
(Feel free to shorten my question and adjust the timeline if you feel it's easier to understand that way.)
Unsere Antwort
Yes, I think this is normal, and I think the problem can be resolved. Performance anxiety is very common when the erection doesn't stay during vaginal intercourse. The best thing you can do is to build up a stronger sexual foundation.
I don't think masturbating less will help you. I do think masturbating in a different fashion will help you. I'm guessing that your penis is used to much more pressure and rubbing than a vagina can ever perform. So in order to practice for vaginal intercourse, you could familiarize your penis with the sensations in a vagina. The goal is to teach yourself a way of sexual arousal that feels more like vaginal intercourse. We've written these tips, which I highly recommend you, along with these tips.
Also for the porn: Porn in itself isn't bad. If you focus too much on the pictures and not enough on the body, this can become a problem. You can't draw from the arousal sources inside your body. While you practice new techniques during masturbation, I suggest you have porn next to you on silent mode to be able to look at intermittently if you lose your erection, and then turn to your body again and experience those sensations.
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