Hello Lilly.
I am a 25 year old male, who has not had penetrative sex for 14 months. I have slept with several girls in this period, but it has never ended in penetrative sex, because of my performance anxiety. This means that i most of the time cannot get an erection when laying with i girl. It is not a problem when i am alone. It was neither a problem when i was together with my girlfriend.
I just feel very ashamed that it has been so long and that i have somewhat failed at sex. It also enhances my performance anxiety every time i have the possibility to sleep with a girl, because it becomes this big thing.
Unsere Antwort
You attribute the lack of an erection to performance anxiety. It's true that anxiety and feeling ashamed activate our autonomous nervous system in a way that impedes the erection. We're in fight-or-flight mode. In this state, less blood flows into the penis. You need to be in a relaxed state for this bloodflow.
You can get out of this vicious cycle of anxiety and shame –> no erection –> more anxiety and shame. However, this calls for a change of perspective: Rather than seeing sex as something to succeed or fail at, you can see it as something to enjoy and have fun with. Rather than looking at your penis as a performer, you can see it as a part of yourself that can feel really good. You can berate yourself for going without penetrative sex for 14 months, or you can say to yourself "Big deal – others go way longer". What prevents you from seeing things in this more relaxed manner?
This might sound a bit strange, but I suggest you develop some empathy for yourself and your penis. Rather than investing energy in negative thinking, find out what you and your penis really want and need.
Let's look at the penis first: What do you mean by "sleeping" with a girl or "laying" with a woman? What kind of stimulation does your penis get when you do that? Does she stimulate it? Do you stimulate it? I wonder if you expect your penis to get an erection "just like that". It doesn't. It needs the right kind of atmosphere, and the right kind of stimulation. How do you arouse yourself during masturbation? Do you arouse yourself similarly when you're with a woman – both physically and mentally? Maybe your penis doesn't get the kind of stimulation it's used to.
And now look at yourself: I assume you're a man for whom emotions are important. When you were with your girlfriend, your sexual arousal and erection probably got a lot of emotional stimulation. You probably don't have the same feelings for the women you're having sex with now, and the emotional arousal sources are way less strong. Maybe you're someone who profits from knowing a woman better before having sex with her.
That said, there are things you can do to make yourself more confident and your erection less affected by disturbances. It helps if you get your body into a state of more relaxation and more movement. When you're stressed out over sex and during sex, you're in a state of tension. I mean physical tension, as well. Maybe you also arouse yourself in this state of high tension. This tension is detrimental to your erection. Please read this text on high muscular tension during sex. Movement helps you get into a more relaxed state, and it helps the bloodflow in your genitalia. I suggest you read this text on movement during sex. This text leads you to practice tips I recommend to you.
Last, but not least, let's talk about penetration. You write you had no penetrative sex for 14 months. You can start tonight. I'm not talking about sex with a woman. I'm talking about sex with your hand. I really recommend these exercise tips. You'll learn how you can practice alone for vaginal intercourse. This will make arousing yourself during vaginal intercourse easier, and it will make you more self-confident about your next encounter.
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