Hi Lilli,
Me and my girlfriend have a good relationship now 2 year old and we live together. However, we are starting to have issues related to sex. Overall i strugle with premature ejaculation and the anxiety that follows. My girlfriend cannot cum from either hand, oral or penetration - only with a vibrator (we have one), but she would like not to use the vibrator but never reaches the orgasm point (to much in her head).
For long this has been fine but now we have less sex than before. We have talked about it all and for her it is about not feeling that her lust have her place in our sex life and for me it is anxiety around premature ejaculation. The latter also makes it difficult for me to meet her needs (not her words but what i feel as i feel limited in what i can do e.g. positions). Overall it just feels like both of us think it is “easier” not to initiate sex than than to.
How do we find the lust again and begin to feel that sex is something enjoyable together?
Unsere Antwort
You’ve already taken the first step by talking openly about these issues. Challenges like this can feel daunting, but the fact that you’ve already communicated openly with each other shows that you’re on the right path.
It's normal to have less sex once a relationship is settled and long-term. But you seem to be stuck in a particular vicious cycle that goes beyond that. What you're experiencing is quite common: If there are sexual problems, people often start to avoid sex altogether. Unfortunately, that usually makes matters worse, as you've experienced. Due to the avoidance, you're not having any positive sexual experiences that can counteract the worries, and so the anxiety (and maybe resentment) just grow bigger.
Good sex is not about goals, achievements, or performance. It's perfectly logical not to want sex if the sex is stressful. Why would you want that? Your sexual desire will only increase if the sex you're having feels good. In other words: Pleasure is the measure!
So instead of avoiding, try to ease the pressure: Both you and your girlfriend are experiencing pressure—her to orgasm in a certain way, and you to manage your premature ejaculation. That pressure probably overshadows the joy and intimacy of being together sexually. Reframe your goal: instead of focusing on specific outcomes like orgasms or lasting a certain amount of time, focus on connection, exploration, and pleasure in the moment. This mental shift can reduce anxiety for both of you.
Ask your girlfriend what she means when she says her lust has no room in your relationship. What is she missing? Try out sexual activities that highlight her pleasure without the goal of her achieving an orgasm. Also, why does your girlfriend not want to use a vibrator? If a vibrator is what currently works for her, try to embrace it without stigma. That can take off some of the pressure for both of you. It doesn’t have to be “either-or”—using a vibrator as part of your shared experience can enhance pleasure. Over time, as she feels less pressure, other forms of stimulation may become more enjoyable. If she wants to, she could also actively work on expanding her sexual repertoire. We've written about how to do that, for example in these texts.
Please also take a look at our text on premature ejaculation. And at our many tips for better sex. I think, these articles could really help you to explore and prioritize pleasure and letting go of the performance-based view on sex.
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