Hej Lilli, thank you for the great work you are doing. I have a very personal and elaborate question.
Your articles talk about learning arousal. Is it possible to unlearn a particular arousal?
I was sexually abused for several months at age 8. Every time while abusing me the abuser made sure that I was aroused whole time by playing (straight, vanilla) porn in front of me.
I still have vivid memories of being very aroused while going through overwhelming fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, and discomfort while the abuse was happening.
Now as a straight adult male when I watch femdom BDSM porn involving coercion, bullying, and humiliation of a man, I get the same feelings of strong arousal accompanied by overwhelming fear, anxiety, shame, and discomfort just like when I was abused. The arousal is so strong that I am driven to seek, and watch such porn over, and over again.
Each time I watch it, as I get the same feelings I had when I was abused, emotionally I feel like my abuse is being replayed. Despite this emotional replay of abuse, as I find myself strongly aroused, and as I am not able to stop myself from watching such porn, I feel the same loss of power, and inability to give consent like when I was abused. This loss of power and consent makes me feel weak, disturbed, and beaten down.
I know that people in the porn clip are consenting adults, I know that BDSM is not abuse, and I also know that whatever happening is just acting, and role-play.
However, this is not my fantasy, I don't want to be aroused by this, and this is absolutely not something that I would ever want to try in my personal life. Moreover, considering my own personal history with bullying, it doesn't make me feel good to see someone get coerced, bullied, and humiliated irrespective of their gender even in fiction.
Is there a way for me to learn to not be aroused by porn involving coercion, bullying, and more importantly humiliation?
Unsere Antwort
The short answer is: yes, there is. The long answer is complicated. There are a few things you have to understand about sexual arousal and trauma to know how you can unlearn your arousal technique and uncouple the connection of trauma and sexual arousal.
First of all: Sexual arousal is a physical process. It can be accompanied by any emotional states – good ones, bad ones. Please read our text on sexual arousal. What you're experiencing is normal, and you're not the only person who feels bad during arousal and still seeks it, because it's – well, arousing.
Think about what you do with your body when you watch BDSM porn. I am pretty sure that your body is in a state of high tension – as it was when you were abused. You were in a state we call the "fight or flight mode". In this state, your system deals with danger with strong negative emotions, tension and other physical and mental reactions, preparing you to fight or flee.
High muscular tension can set off the fight or flight mode. The crucial part is: It's also very arousing. This is not a problem for many people. However, given your history, it is for you.
Many people who never had any traumatic experiences learn to arouse themselves in a state of very high muscular tension. And of these people, quite a few develop sexual fantasies that involve violent behaviors like you're describing, and some develop a preference for BDSM roleplay. This has nothing to do with what kind of people they are in real life. Rather, this is because our system goes into a fight or flight mode during arousal in this state of high muscular tension, and the emotions and images that pop up in our head are a reflection of this. We write more about this in our text on muscular tension during arousal.
You've probably heard of flashbacks. Flashbacks are vivid sensory memories of traumatic experiences – your body and mind are revisited by the trauma, so to speak; it's like you're reliving it. Flashbacks can be triggered by physical states that are similar to the state you were in when suffering the trauma. So when you're in a state of heightened muscular tension during sexual arousal, this reminds your system of the trauma, because the physical state you were in was similar when you were abused.
Apart from the fact that it's arousing, you might be drawn to BDSM porn and to revisiting the experience of abuse as a way of dealing with it: In looking for and provoking this state actively, you might get some idea of being in control over the abuse – rather than being powerless and helpless. In doing this, however, you work on perpetuating this state by constantly revisiting it. Have you ever had trauma therapy? I would strongly recommend this. The goal would be to emancipate and free yourself from your traumatic experience and stow away those memories where they belong – in the distant past.
The solution to your sexual problem is to learn a method of sexual arousal that does not set off fight or flight mode and trigger the flashbacks. This arousal method should provoke a positive state of your nervous system. It should involve active movement of the body and deep breathing. So, it's crucial that you learn to actively move your body and do some deep breathing during arousal. Please look at these tips and these tips. You can do it yourself, but it takes a lot of practice. Please read this text about practicing for sex.
I don’t know where you live, and if there are any sex therapists trained in the Sexocorporel approach where you live. This approach helps people learn new methods of arousal.
This is a long answer. If you feel like it, write us your thoughts about it, and ask more questions. Please add the number of this first question so we know who you are.
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